The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman
Click book to buy from Inspirity's Book Clinic:
"Gottman states that the basis of an enduring marriage is a solid friendship in the couple. This friendship comes from “mutual positive regard”.
The seven principles are designed to further solidify this already solid friendship:
1) ENHANCE YOUR LOVE MAPS
Get to know your partner—their preferences and their dislikes. Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. They know each other’s goals, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes and expectations. She knows what kind of salad dressing he likes, and he knows how she feels about her boss at work. She knows what deadlines he is working towards and he knows how she feels about his sister-in-law. These are the nuts and bolts of communication.
2) NURTURE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION
Gottman states: “Although happily married couples may be driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a relationship (i.e. contempt has taken over) the relationship cannot be revived.”
My own take on this is that there is a gender distinction here. Men need to feel admired (for their achievements) and women need to feel loved (for themselves). In either case the need for positive regard is fundamental.
Gottman continues: “Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage.
By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities— even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.”
3) TURN TOWARDS EACH OTHER,NOT AWAY
This involves taking each other’s side, even if you believe his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t side with the opposition as this will make the spouse resentful or dejected. This means that if the spouse comes home and complains about the harshness of his employer, don’t even attempt to justify the employer’s behavior at the expense of your partner. The truth in this situation can wait for later.
4) LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU
This can be especially hard for males. As Muslims, we have been encouraged to consult. And after all the best of consultants is often right next to us. So we have to get around the trap of always wanting to be right and always knowing everything.
For example, one of the natural areas of conflict occurs in household organization. Men seem to be more aware of the functional aspects of things (How strong is the water pressure? How many amps of electricity are in the electrical boxes? How many beams are supporting the floors?) while women tend to be more aware of the aesthetics (the wall-paper is old and dingy, the lighting is dim, and none of the windows have curtains).
There is an obvious complementarity here, but it can easily break down into conflict—especially if the budget is tight and priorities have to be set. Once again, communication and compromise are de rigueur. Any attempt to tyrannically impose one’s will is likely to be met with resentment and bitterness even if acquiescence is the initial reaction.
5) SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS
These include relations with in-laws, dealing with money matters, distributing housework, and conflicts about raising children. Each of these subjects are potential minefields. Although each of these dimensions operates according to their own laws, the basic approach has to be the same:
a) Soften the startup, i.e. don’t begin with hostility and attack. Instead of “I hate it when your mother comes over” try “The next time your mother comes over, could you tell her that it really hurts me when she criticizes my child-rearing practices.”
b) Learn to back off and make repair attempts. Don’t keep pushing the point if you are at loggerheads. Avoid emotional flooding.
c) Soothe yourself and each other. Again, avoid emotional flooding. Take a break. “Chill out” as they say in modern lingo.
d) Look for compromise and common ground. Dr. Phil, the TV psychology guru likes to repeat in his shows “A couple is negotiation.” In order for this to occur, one must return to principle four—allowing yourself to be influenced.
e) Be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6) OVERCOME GRIDLOCK
There are inevitably some unsolvable problems in couples. Here Dr. Gottman has an interesting insight. He claims that one of the major sources of unsolvable problems is not including each person’s dreams in the couple’s contract.
I have seen this in my practice on numerous occasions. For example, if the woman has always dreamed of having children and the male partner objects for whatever reason (maybe this is his second marriage and he feels he has no energy left for other children), this will sabotage the marriage. Another example is the male who has always dreamed of having his own business. If his female partner is too insecure and pushes him to take a stable job at a large firm this too will weigh heavily against the success of their union.
Actually there is a spiritual dimension to this particular dilemma. The deep-seated dreams we carry in our hearts are reflections of our destiny, given to us by our Creator. If we resist and oppose them, we are actually resisting Divine Will and no good can come from this.
7) CREATE SHARED MEANING
This may involve family rituals, the evening meal together or common goals (building a house , preparing together for a world tour or developing a charitable project). In this vein Gottman leaves us with a series of practical suggestions as to time management. He calls this the magic five
hours:
a) Say goodbye in the morning and find out one item in the day’s agenda of the spouse. ( 5 minutes each workday)
b) Debrief together at the end of each work day to unstress. (20 minutes each workday)
c) Communicate some genuine affection and appreciation every day. (5 minutes each day)
d) Express affection physically once a day, Could be a kiss or a hug or back rub. (5 minutes each day)
e) A weekly date (away from the pressures of home and work). This can take many forms—a visit to the coffee shop, a
meal at a restaurant or a long walk in nature. (2 hours per week)
Now do the math. It’s 5 hours per week—a very worthwhile investment."
"Gottman states that the basis of an enduring marriage is a solid friendship in the couple. This friendship comes from “mutual positive regard”.
The seven principles are designed to further solidify this already solid friendship:
1) ENHANCE YOUR LOVE MAPS
Get to know your partner—their preferences and their dislikes. Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. They know each other’s goals, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes and expectations. She knows what kind of salad dressing he likes, and he knows how she feels about her boss at work. She knows what deadlines he is working towards and he knows how she feels about his sister-in-law. These are the nuts and bolts of communication.
2) NURTURE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION
Gottman states: “Although happily married couples may be driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a relationship (i.e. contempt has taken over) the relationship cannot be revived.”
My own take on this is that there is a gender distinction here. Men need to feel admired (for their achievements) and women need to feel loved (for themselves). In either case the need for positive regard is fundamental.
Gottman continues: “Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage.
By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities— even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.”
3) TURN TOWARDS EACH OTHER,NOT AWAY
This involves taking each other’s side, even if you believe his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t side with the opposition as this will make the spouse resentful or dejected. This means that if the spouse comes home and complains about the harshness of his employer, don’t even attempt to justify the employer’s behavior at the expense of your partner. The truth in this situation can wait for later.
4) LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU
This can be especially hard for males. As Muslims, we have been encouraged to consult. And after all the best of consultants is often right next to us. So we have to get around the trap of always wanting to be right and always knowing everything.
For example, one of the natural areas of conflict occurs in household organization. Men seem to be more aware of the functional aspects of things (How strong is the water pressure? How many amps of electricity are in the electrical boxes? How many beams are supporting the floors?) while women tend to be more aware of the aesthetics (the wall-paper is old and dingy, the lighting is dim, and none of the windows have curtains).
There is an obvious complementarity here, but it can easily break down into conflict—especially if the budget is tight and priorities have to be set. Once again, communication and compromise are de rigueur. Any attempt to tyrannically impose one’s will is likely to be met with resentment and bitterness even if acquiescence is the initial reaction.
5) SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS
These include relations with in-laws, dealing with money matters, distributing housework, and conflicts about raising children. Each of these subjects are potential minefields. Although each of these dimensions operates according to their own laws, the basic approach has to be the same:
a) Soften the startup, i.e. don’t begin with hostility and attack. Instead of “I hate it when your mother comes over” try “The next time your mother comes over, could you tell her that it really hurts me when she criticizes my child-rearing practices.”
b) Learn to back off and make repair attempts. Don’t keep pushing the point if you are at loggerheads. Avoid emotional flooding.
c) Soothe yourself and each other. Again, avoid emotional flooding. Take a break. “Chill out” as they say in modern lingo.
d) Look for compromise and common ground. Dr. Phil, the TV psychology guru likes to repeat in his shows “A couple is negotiation.” In order for this to occur, one must return to principle four—allowing yourself to be influenced.
e) Be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6) OVERCOME GRIDLOCK
There are inevitably some unsolvable problems in couples. Here Dr. Gottman has an interesting insight. He claims that one of the major sources of unsolvable problems is not including each person’s dreams in the couple’s contract.
I have seen this in my practice on numerous occasions. For example, if the woman has always dreamed of having children and the male partner objects for whatever reason (maybe this is his second marriage and he feels he has no energy left for other children), this will sabotage the marriage. Another example is the male who has always dreamed of having his own business. If his female partner is too insecure and pushes him to take a stable job at a large firm this too will weigh heavily against the success of their union.
Actually there is a spiritual dimension to this particular dilemma. The deep-seated dreams we carry in our hearts are reflections of our destiny, given to us by our Creator. If we resist and oppose them, we are actually resisting Divine Will and no good can come from this.
7) CREATE SHARED MEANING
This may involve family rituals, the evening meal together or common goals (building a house , preparing together for a world tour or developing a charitable project). In this vein Gottman leaves us with a series of practical suggestions as to time management. He calls this the magic five
hours:
a) Say goodbye in the morning and find out one item in the day’s agenda of the spouse. ( 5 minutes each workday)
b) Debrief together at the end of each work day to unstress. (20 minutes each workday)
c) Communicate some genuine affection and appreciation every day. (5 minutes each day)
d) Express affection physically once a day, Could be a kiss or a hug or back rub. (5 minutes each day)
e) A weekly date (away from the pressures of home and work). This can take many forms—a visit to the coffee shop, a
meal at a restaurant or a long walk in nature. (2 hours per week)
Now do the math. It’s 5 hours per week—a very worthwhile investment."