How She Paid All The Bills And Very Nearly Ruined Her Relationship

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This week's tip is from an article Laura wrote in 2003 concerning howshe paid all the bills and how it very nearly ruined her relationship:

Sponsored By
Our Marriage Barely Survived
The Author Of 'The Surrendered Wife' Recounts
How She Paid All The Bills And Very Nearly Ruined Her Relationship
Laura Doyle
NEWSWEEK
From the magazine issue dated May 12, 2003

This is embarrassing to admit, but years ago when my husband, John, left a job that frustrated and demoralized him, we decided to follow the advice of a therapist who suggested that John take six months off to figure out what he wanted to do for a living while I supported us. I acquiesced because I wanted to believe that we were enlightened and no longer bound by gender stereotypes.

Our marriage barely survived the six months.

I was earning all the money, so I figured I was the boss. My paycheck covered the mortgage, bought the food, provided some entertainment and paid every other bill with our name on it, so I thought that I was entitled to a little control over the household--and my husband.Thinking I could speed his job search along, I rewrote his resume and pushed him to go on job interviews. He was home and I wasn't, so I expected him to do the housework. I turned especially nasty on days when the laundry overflowed in the hamper, the car needed new oil andJohn was proposing fast food for dinner. I said things like "So why aren't the dishes done? What did you do all day?" In short, I had become a controlling shrew. And I felt entitled to it. I was making the money. This was years before I became a marriage expert and wrote "The Surrendered Wife," and I didn't know better--not yet.


Naturally, John became defensive and withdrawn. The more I told him what to do, the more he dug in his heels and refused to help around the house. I asked myself whether I even needed John. Something about making all the money can cause a woman to feel entitled to call the shots in a marriage. No wise woman sets out to emasculate her husband, but making decisions and demands does just that. Whenever a woman tries to control her husband she begins to chip away at the emotional connection in her marriage. Nothing squashes intimacy and romance faster than acting like you're the mother and he's the teenager who won't clean his room. Most men would rather eat sand than be dominated.


Once intimacy is gone, what's left? Without closeness you're just roommates. The high price of giving in to the need to control your husband--no matter how much you think you deserve to be in charge—is forfeiting the chance to have tenderness with him. Perhaps because of role models like Cinderella or thousands of years of genetic programming, women want their husbands to cherish, adore and protect them, just as they did during court-ship.

Wives who are truly happy to be the sole breadwinners in their family do occur in nature, but only about as often as supermodels. We'd rather be the ones getting treated regularly than doing the treating, and men feel a complementary drive to provide because it's an expression of masculinity. If you have no choice, and find yourself unhappily supporting the whole family, your most important job is to be respectful.

Resist trying to pull your husband's strings just because you're filling the purse. His self-confidence is already flagging from the challenges of unemployment. Consider letting him pay the bills as a show of faith in his abilities and to give him some control. He will also feel theimpact of his lost income firsthand, which will remind him how important it is to the family.

Make your self-care a priority so you stay replenished and can maintain the intimacy in your relationship. Set limits at work and at home to relieve stress, including cutting back on your hours--even if you're worried about money. Above all, remember that making the moneydoesn't give you the right to control.

The experience of being the sole breadwinner was a turning point for me. I had always been bossy, but when John stopped working I became unbearably controlling and resentful. During one miserable date night, when I couldn't even let him pick his own parking spot, I realized I had to change. From that low point, I began the journey of trying not to focus so much on his job search and to focus instead on my happiness. When I backed off from telling John what kind of work he should apply for and replaced nagging with respect, his confidence and motivation returned.

Soon after, John found a job that suited him beautifully and paid more than the old, miserable one.