HELP - Why Do I Always Have To Be The Nice One?

Dear Inspirity,

Before I got married I read the requisite fascinating womanhood, and proper care, and surrendered wife, and I tried to practise them. Do you think the advices in those books should be tailored to the man you are married to?

One example: I will compliment my husband every day, on manliness, 'hard workingness' etc, but he never does to me. In my heart, I know and the people think that he married very well, but I always show in my actions and speech as if I was the lucky one to marry him. Thus I think I have a much less supportive husband than the type of man who thinks he did very well for himself, because I constantly flatter him whereas, he never feels the need for me.

I always joke with him that if we ever make mistakes with flight tickets or are late, its better if he is the cause of it rather than me because I try and be very forgiving when he makes a mistake whereas, he is very grumpy if delays or problems are due to me. And Allah Most Kind, always ends up making him be the unorganised one 99% of the time.

Is there a danger that when a man becomes too reliant on the fascinating womanhood philosophy, it just makes him complacent? My husband has never seen the real me because I tried to implement the rules from day 1. Rather, I wish I had not read the books until 5 years into the marriage so I can have the gratitude from him that other husbands give to their wives when they change!

Dearest Fascinating Woman,

I think you sound like a wonderful wife and well done for letting go of the control! This is one of the underlying essences of the Surrendered Wife.

In terms of him complimenting you – I know how you feel, because I have been there, done it! It was one thing that would drive me mad and make me feel so low and unloved! But after a lot of work on myself, I realised that it was I who had the problem, and not my husband. You flatter your husband because he deserves it. That’s your heart song to him – remember, you like to say things; your an auditory person, and like that sort of stuff back. For all you know, your love song may not be getting heard – he may want it shown to him (visual) or he wants to feel it (kinaesthetic). But that’s another post for another time! The point is – you are expressing your love to him the way you want to. He may well be expressing his love to you but in different ways than what you are looking for. He may be saying, “I love you” by fixing things for you, earning money, working long hours – is his love dance being watched and applauded by you? He may be saying, “I love you” by wanting to be more affectionate, wanting to be close to you – are you feeling his love message? The point I’m trying to make is watch out for they ways he expresses his love to you, and you may find that he is really making the effort – whilst you are waiting for a compliment.

You should stick to what you’re doing – complimenting him, forgiving him, being gentle on him – these are such excellent character traits and you don't want to compromise your values and qualities just because they are not being reciprocated.

Try to love your qualities and still let him have the control, and if he messes up... well, it’s a learning experience for him. Let him learn how to do it – and support him. Let him rise to the occasion. How many times have we burnt the cooking, let the milk go off, and turned the whites into pink by not noticing the red towel in the wash? We learnt our mistakes, and had many opportunities – and we should give them the chance to perfect themselves aswell.

When we are giving so much of ourselves it’s easy to end up frazzled and overworked and then our husband’s weaknesses glare at us and we get so irritated!

Try to take a step back and understand that you are not doing anything wrong by being so nice... even though he is disorganised and grumpy, try to bring out the best in him by being the best you can be... and this can only be done if you relax daily... or it will drive you berserk!

Try to treat yourself to baths, go for walks in the park, get together with friends, take some time out to ring someone who lifts your spirits, and never let yourself get over worked. Are you looking after yourself?

Well done for getting this far – you don't have to kick yourself for being nice from day one! You are doing a great job and are continuously improving. Dont lose sight of the bigger picture – being nice and giving the best of yourself because that is ultimately what will please God.

Hope this helps, if not, write back.