Ustadah Zahida: How Much Can Our Past Affect Us?
Part 1
A lot of people go through conscious hardships:
· a stressed body
· feelings of not being able to cope
· feeling confused
· having flash back memories of things which have happened (although some people don't)
When this happens, it’s a good time to think about what’s working for us in life, and what’s not; to ask ourselves what we want from life, and to take some time to self-reflect.
A lot of people encounter confidence problems in their lives, which manifest themselves during times of stress – maybe they have to stand up and give a speech at work/college, perhaps they need to spend some time with relatives/strangers, or maybe they have made a mistake and don't know how to deal with it. During these times they may have many thoughts running through their heads, such as: “I am not as good as others”, “I must be the stupidest person to make that mistake”, or “I'm not really good at many things.” It is important to note here that no-one has said this to them, but they have made these stories up in their heads without knowing it. Due to these stories, they are unable to bring out their best potential.
Where do our stories come from?
In our younger lives, perhaps there was a time when an adult, in a moment of impatience, called us “Butterfingers!” and since then things have always slipped from our hands. Maybe someone said to us cruelly, “You’re as blind as a bat!” and now we can never seem to find anything. Perhaps we were mockingly called “Thicko!” and since then we always seem to think we are incapable of understanding difficult concepts.
At the time when people called us those names, we didn't acknowledge what they were saying to us, yet over time we seem to have developed a ‘don't care attitude’ and we are not bothered that we drop things, can't find what we are looking for, or that we don't try to understand challenging concepts.
Now is the time to take action and bring out the best form within ourselves!
Doing Things Sincerely
Oftentimes we do things for other people – to make them happy or to get their approval. This is an important stepping stone that helps a lot of people become more sincere in their lives. There is a pattern that is usually followed here:
1. we do things for others
2. we get tired of doing it, end up fed-up, bitter and resentful
3. we start looking for answers
4. we begin to recognise and acknowledge our limits
5. we recognise our old patterns and break them
6. we make a new purified intention according to our limits
7. we take ACTION and start doing things for the sake of God and not others
8. and this is when our true potential comes out
We need to become one. We have been scattered in so many areas of our lives, pleasing others, doing things when we don't want to, etc., and now we need to gather our potential and get grounded. For those wishing to ground themselves, a good affirmation to recite is
A lot of people go through conscious hardships:
· a stressed body
· feelings of not being able to cope
· feeling confused
· having flash back memories of things which have happened (although some people don't)
When this happens, it’s a good time to think about what’s working for us in life, and what’s not; to ask ourselves what we want from life, and to take some time to self-reflect.
A lot of people encounter confidence problems in their lives, which manifest themselves during times of stress – maybe they have to stand up and give a speech at work/college, perhaps they need to spend some time with relatives/strangers, or maybe they have made a mistake and don't know how to deal with it. During these times they may have many thoughts running through their heads, such as: “I am not as good as others”, “I must be the stupidest person to make that mistake”, or “I'm not really good at many things.” It is important to note here that no-one has said this to them, but they have made these stories up in their heads without knowing it. Due to these stories, they are unable to bring out their best potential.
Where do our stories come from?
In our younger lives, perhaps there was a time when an adult, in a moment of impatience, called us “Butterfingers!” and since then things have always slipped from our hands. Maybe someone said to us cruelly, “You’re as blind as a bat!” and now we can never seem to find anything. Perhaps we were mockingly called “Thicko!” and since then we always seem to think we are incapable of understanding difficult concepts.
At the time when people called us those names, we didn't acknowledge what they were saying to us, yet over time we seem to have developed a ‘don't care attitude’ and we are not bothered that we drop things, can't find what we are looking for, or that we don't try to understand challenging concepts.
Now is the time to take action and bring out the best form within ourselves!
Doing Things Sincerely
Oftentimes we do things for other people – to make them happy or to get their approval. This is an important stepping stone that helps a lot of people become more sincere in their lives. There is a pattern that is usually followed here:
1. we do things for others
2. we get tired of doing it, end up fed-up, bitter and resentful
3. we start looking for answers
4. we begin to recognise and acknowledge our limits
5. we recognise our old patterns and break them
6. we make a new purified intention according to our limits
7. we take ACTION and start doing things for the sake of God and not others
8. and this is when our true potential comes out
We need to become one. We have been scattered in so many areas of our lives, pleasing others, doing things when we don't want to, etc., and now we need to gather our potential and get grounded. For those wishing to ground themselves, a good affirmation to recite is
“One, One, One.”
More affective is the Arabic name of God, “Ya Wahid” or quite simply, “The One”. Recite this repeatedly to ground yourselves and gain power and potential from The One.
Here is a humbling case of how the past has affected a 60 year old woman.
Client B had 6 children and had been married a very long time. She came to see me as she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She was resentful of her husband and blaming him for lots of things. Her mother was ill and lived in a different part of the UK, and she felt guilty for not being able to look after her more. One day after visiting her sick mother, she came back home very distressed. Rather than tell her husband how upset she was, the first things she noticed was the laundry basket heaped with clothes and the extremely messy house. She at once became irritated and started blaming her husband. This is a typical example of not expressing how you really feel, but burying it and letting another negative feeling come out.
The woman just didn't know how to express herself, or communicate her feelings effectively. She stressed that she wanted to help her mother more – perhaps move closer to her, but her husband wasn't supporting her. She was resentful because she felt she had served him all her life and given him so many children. She repeated that she always wanted to do the right thing, and serve other people – it was time to serve her mother now. And within the conversation, she mentioned the fact that she just wanted to please her loved ones and to be the ‘good one’.
I picked up on those last few words immediately, and asked her “Since when have you been carrying the thought that you have to be good, to serve and please others?” She looked a bit surprised because she wasn't even aware that she had this concept. She started to reflect, and she ended up back in her childhood where her mother was always comparing her to her elder sister – who was ‘perfect’. Due to this constant comparison, Client B never felt ‘good enough’ when compared to her elder sister and she had become a perfectionist - always trying to serve and please her mum – but still her mother had never thought her ‘good enough’.
She had been carrying this concept around with her for almost 50 years, yet it had never been conscious for her. She didn't realise she was being ‘good’ all the time. She had married someone her parents had disapproved of and constantly felt guilty for letting them down. She felt that she was a bad person, and because of this concept, she let others treat her how they wanted, not the way she wanted to be treated. She described her husband as a very good man, yet she was always angry with him – it was apparent that she had two polarities of the extreme and needed to gather herself and become one.
I spoke to her and explained that she also had a responsibility in letting others treat her the way they did. She had a belief about herself but she didn't even know it. Things had happened and she had forgotten the story behind it, yet the feelings had been buried and would manifest themselves during times of stress. She had become what we call a ‘people pleaser’.
To be continued.