Surrendered Wives, Emasculated Men and Defeminised Women

– Is it just a load of baloney?

Okay, the truth is when people first hear about Surrendered Wives it get’s their back up. After all the success of the modern era, are we supposed to become doormats again? What on earth?!?!

I was the same way. I was told about the book and just never bothered to read it. I know many women who still won’t. The fact is that I did read the book, and went on and took the seminar, and now, Alhamdolillah, I'm a certified trainer.

Well, not all women do need this book– because they are doing what the book says without even realising it. Some women are naturally feminine, just as you get some people who are natural parents without ever having read a book on raising kids. These women let the men wear the trousers in the family, let them have the ultimate say in the way the household is run, and they rely on them for the peace and security that a man brings. Are these women doormats, are they subdued? No! They get angry and upset like the rest of us, and they express that in a healthy manner – with respect. They don't charge at their perceived attacker with verbal punches – they let it out in a feminine manner.

But what about the rest of us, who picked up unhealthy mannerisms along the way? We didn't have great role models. We saw our womenfolk screaming and cursing at their husbands; walking out of the house over money-arguments. We saw them get abused by their husbands, or sometimes the husbands would just keep away and let them do it whichever way they pleased. We learnt early on that a woman only suffered at the hands of a man, that it’s a big bad world out there and you have to learn to fend for yourself. We got our university education just like our mum’s wanted for us... we got our jobs, we got our own money – and at the end of the day – getting a husband was something we checked-off our list when all our perceived security was set in place.

In steps: the man – wanting to exercise his rights as boss of the family, and we resist it. We have our own minds, we can think for ourselves, we have freedom of speech, and we aint gonna let no guy tell us what to do. Who does he think he is, my father? We are equals!

Similarly, some men are naturally masculine. They have been raised well, and grow up to be leaders. They are assertive and can make sound decisions. They are responsible and know that as man, his duty is to provide a safe and secure home for him family. He notices when his wife is overworked and stressed and encourages her to take a break, as he know that she hasn’t got as much endurance as he has and will break easily. He looks out for what she needs and gets it for her, making her life easier. He knows that if she is happy, his kids will have a better home to flourish in. He takes responsibility for the decision-making in his home, and learns from his mistakes.

But what about the rest of the men, whose saw their fathers beat their mothers? Or worse, who saw their mothers beat their fathers. What about the men whose fathers left because they couldn’t handle their wives’ anger and vulgarity? What about the men whose parents spoilt them rotten and didn't ask them to lift a finger whilst growing up... Who taught these guys how to be real men? Who taught them that they needed to put their families first, that they need to work and toil hard? Still, a lot of these men struggled to get good jobs and put food on the table.

Along comes his high achieving wife who knows what is better for him. She doesn’t think he is saving enough, she knows that if he is a bit more ambitious, he can get that promotion. She tells him what to do, and expresses her dismay when he does not do as her bidding. She lets him know what she wants done in the house, and she tells him exactly how he should do it. She knows best, her mum knew what was best, and men, remember, cannot be relied on to get anything right. Her husband starts to argue back. Of course, he knows how to manage the bank account, speak correctly on the phone, climb a ladder without falling off! He’s no dimwit! Yet the wife knows she is right and will continue to insist on him seeing it her way. They start to bicker and fight. He wonders whatever happened to the smart woman he married? She has turned into an over-controlling nag!

Crossroads;

He can now do one of two things.

1. He can leave her to it and let her do things her way. If she knows what’s best, then let’s keep the peace and agree. He subdues his own masculine power and lets her do the initiating, the problem solving. She goes on and finds the best way to pay the bills, manage the house, arranges the builders and plumbers to sort out the house. He feel like a spare tyre, a work horse, and withdraws. When asked to help around the house, he does it half-heartedly and gets often gets it wrong. He stops telling the kids how to behave because she always corrects him when he does. The Emasculated Man.
2. He fights with her until he has quietened her down and subdues her spirit. She retaliates and he loses his temper. He gets violent and starts to curse at her. He will not let go of his masculinity, whatever the cost. The Dictator-Aggressive Man

She can now do one of two things:

1. She can do it all herself – after all, he messes up anything he touches. If he is left to buy something for the house, he will get something too expensive, too bold, too modern, so it’s best to just do things yourself. He doesn’t pull through by getting that promotion, so she puts on those proverbial trousers and goes back to work to earn the extra money she knows that they will be more comfortable with. This all comes at a cost to her – she is worn out, irritable, and if her buttons are pushed, she will attack! She never knew what it was like to sit back and enjoy, to have a man slay her dragons for her. The Defeminised Woman.
2. She can start to respect him for the man that he is. She can start to trust him, and be happy with what he is already doing, not what she wants him to do. She can learn to respect her own limits and rest when she needs to, as she knows that when she is happy, the whole family is happy. The Surrendered Wife.