HELP - My Husband Doesn't Make Conversation

Dear Inspirity,

My problem is that in the early years of our marriage if my husband was quiet I would work hard to bring him out of himself and find things to talk to him about and interest him. But I realised he never made such an effort to make day-to-day life as nice for me.

And so what has happened lately is that, if I try to talk to him and he answers in monosyllables, where before I used to try and 'coax' him or 'charm' him out of his mood, now I withdraw as well. So then we are both quiet. I am only so because he is, but then his mood lasts for days rather than hours and I just cannot be bothered to be the one who talks first. So a situation arises where we are actually not talking not because we had an argument but just because my husband is in a mood and I no longer wish to be the one to keep the communication channels in the marriage open.

How do I get out of that thinking? I don't bother to even make conversation anymore because as soon as he gives the first one word answer I clam up and end it because I think 'don't humiliate yourself by talking on when he isn’t even going to be gracious enough to answer properly'.

Instead I have developed a large group of friends and interests that give me that space to talk and be the way I like, so his silences don't hurt me anymore. But what’s happened is that now I have other outlets for myself, I don't bother to make an effort with my husband as I did before I started developing myself.

I think where I went wrong is I tried to accept his character but in the way of 'make myself happy through other ways'. But now, sister, our house is so quiet and we hardly have anything to say to each other. Help me.

Dear Charming,

It's sad that your house has become quiet, due to your feeling that you always have to make the effort to make conversation.

You stated that you used to try so hard initially to keep the communication channels open, and now you have given up - I would advise you not to give up just yet - I think you have done really well by developing a large group of friends and interests - this is one of the keys to having a happy marriage - so well done for that! :)

Try to accept that your husbands 'quietness' has got nothing to do with you - nor is an attack on your personality. You seem to come across as someone who is talkative and likes to be engaged in healthy conversations - well your husband doesn't always have to be the one to provide you with that. All you need for healthy conversation is some good friends and an unlimited national calls tarif!

I read an excellent dialogue in Byron Katie's book "I need your love - is it true?" with a woman who came to Katie to tell her she wanted to divorce her husband because he doesn't talk to her. He's too quiet! (sound familiar, hon?). They did an amazing role play (her and Katie), and the lady went away realising that it dont matter that he was quiet - she could still have a good relationship with him once she accepted that there are many benefits in having a quiet husband - he doesn't nag, he doesn't criticise the food, he lets you do pretty much what you want!

You say you have made lots of friends and pursued interests - a lot of dominating husbands have problems with their wives leaving the house - and they feel very possessive over their charming wives - you sound like you're married to a good guy!

Perhaps you need to re-define your relationship with him. Maybe you have an expectation of what your relationship should be like - which is causing problems in the way you are living the relationship? Perhaps your marriage is not meant to be lets hold hands and talk, talk, talk... but maybe its meant to be sit with me, hold me, complete me...

Although you feel humiliated when he doesn't answer you properly, try to realise that this is the way he is. Perhaps he doesn't want to open up but is totally happy when you are doing all the talking? Some people are chatterboxes (I am!) and some people just like to sit back, and listen with a pleasant smile on their face (my husband). Could that be you two? I would advise you to be yourself, and let him be himself, and find peace in that acceptance.

Accept that you are "Charming", and let him be the "Charmed". Accept the personality you have been given, and admire him for being the steady guy that he is.

I hope this helped, and if you have any more questions, do get back to me.

Love,Inspirity.