Never go to your friends for advice

I have some advice for everyone. Never go to your friends for advice. I will explain why by giving you all direct examples from my married life.

In the beginning, I met my husband and we liked each other and we got married and everything seemed well with the world. Except a fair proportion of my friends were, I now realise, jealous. They talked about us, about me, about my husband. Unflattering things were said, but what was really being said was "why her and not me? Why am I still looking when she got married so soon?" As I was happy with him and he was happy with me then what was there to criticize exactly? The point was that I had left their little group; the friends who relied on me to spend time with them and entertain them were suddenly left to their own devices as I tried to build the foundations of a lasting marriage.

I still remember the time a person looked at me and said, "Well some people get married and you never see them any more - HINT HINT." Well they did still see me, but not as often as before. Worst of all one friend phoned me every evening for about 2 hours a shot and when my husband complained everyone decided he was jealous and had issues with her. Well I'd have had issues if he spent that much time on the phone, it would have driven me nuts.

Now I am not saying you have to abandon your friends, ignore your family and cut off socializing with colleagues - but I knew then as I do now that my husband has to feel important and if I had tried to carry on with my old life exactly as I had before, our marriage could not have lasted.

But still I did not learn...

Every marriage has problems and rocky patches. When we hit a rough patch I thought I would go to my friends for advice, after all they knew me well and liked me. The result was that I found myself at the receiving end of the most idiotic, insensitive and prejudiced opinions I can remember. I was meant to do everything from "make him clean the toilet so he appreciates you" to "take up lap dancing" - poor man, all he wanted was a quiet cup of coffee while he read the newspaper! It just got better and better (or worse and worse depending on your perspective) - one friend even took to eavesdropping on my phone calls and telling me where I went wrong. AAAAARGH!

I was starting to learn, but then...

I read The Surrendered Wife and so did a lot of my friends. If I thought things had been bad before I should have listened to my dad when he said "never mind if things look glum for sure enough there's worse to come!" Suddenly the world had an idea of surrendering and they shared it with me - I really doubt they could follow the advice they gave me, not a soul I know could; "never have an opinion about anything because men can't stand women with an opinion" - what, even if you agree on something? "I am not sure if starving people need food because I am a woman and can't form an opinion" - that wouldn't do anything for him or me; I'd have to hate myself for a start. One of the strengths of our marriage is that we talk to each other and exchange views and experiences and I'm meant to get rid of that for good?

And what about surrendered experts when I hit a rocky patch? Let me paint the scene.... We went on holiday to Spain for a week after a period of intense work for both of us. As he worked towards a promotion, he spent very little time in the house, but he promised the holiday in Spain would make up for it all. When we got there, he spent no time at all with me. I walked on the beach alone, went to bed alone and then woke to find him ready for breakfast together before he went to play golf - without me. Feeling rejected in every sense of the word my friends explained that I had to stop trying to control him, that I shouldn't chase him and that his desire to be with me would only be fuelled if I backed off and acted all feminine. Direct communication was not in their interpretation of the book.

I sought the advice of a sage and was told to read "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay", I also had a direct word with my husband, I couldn't carry on with things the way they were, I felt rejected, I needed his company etc. etc. His response was interesting; he had been bullied at work and had bouts of depression when he had to be alone. The book really helped - he took one look at the title and changed overnight (well almost). I told my sage (who must have been sick of my whinging) who said it sounded like a dysfunctional situation and referred me to Inspirity, who has now replaced all my friends when I need advice (and she must just love me for it!).

The morals of my story? Your friends have their prejudices and their opinions are generally formed from their own limited experiences, they have a mixture of feelings about you and your husband and not all of them are correct. Seek advice from someone who has had training or at least someone wise who will listen to you without judging. Just because someone has read The Surrendered Wife does not mean they can teach it.