Surrendering the finances – What does Islam say about it?
After reading The Surrendered Wife, many women do ask how to balance the surrendered approach of handing over the chequebook to their husbands, with the rights that a Muslim woman is given under the law of Islam - that a woman has the right over her own money.
Your money is yours
It is true, a Muslim woman has the right over her own money, and doesn’t need to give any of it to her husband, which is a far cry from handing it all over to dear husband and telling him to look after it – so what is a woman to do?
I normally advise that women who have their own bank accounts and their own money keep hold of those funds. This would allow the household to be run by the income the husband was bringing in, and he would be the sole breadwinner. If the couple decided with mutual consent, further income could be added from the money the wife bought in, if that is what she felt like doing.
Your husband is the head of the household
The surrendering aspect comes into play when the woman gives the man the final say in where the money is spent, acknowledging him as the head of the household. Granted, one of a woman’s most legendary vices is to control. When you combine this characteristic with a paycheque, it’s very important to ensure that the man doesn’t feel stripped of his role to provide as a man, and perhaps even more essential if the man isn’t bringing in as much as the woman. Therefore, if a woman has her own money and wants to contribute towards the finances, she would do well to let him have the ultimate decision on what to spend it on.
Maria is a lady who attended one of my seminars. She was working on a very high paying salary, and husband had been made redundant. While it was important for her to keep working to keep the household running, Maria also became exhausted from all the responsibility and started to resent her husband for not doing as much as she was. This situation spiralled downwards as in her resentment, Maria started controlling how he spent money, especially since she was trying so hard to be frugal with her hard-earned money and she didn't think he was doing the same.
Her main complaint was that he bought overly expensive things, and helped other members of the family without thinking twice of the money he was spending... her money. Eventually, as a one-time experiment, Maria decided to give her husband the control of paying the bills and sorting out the finances. He was a bit shocked at first, because he hadn’t earnt any of it, yet now had to manage how to spend it. This put a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and he started to think carefully on that he spent it on. It also made him gave him the determination to look harder for a job, which he previously hadn’t been doing.
The benefits of relinquishing control of the finances
When a woman gives up control of where her husband spends the finances, a number of good things happen. Her husband starts to think responsibly when he spends the money. He faces up to consequences of poor business decisions he may have made – because they will fall on his shoulders. He also won't be able to blame his wife when things go wrong, (this is the easy way out for a man with a controlling wife or a man who relies heavily on his wife’s guidance) because it was his decision not hers. Furthermore, it relieves her of the worry and stress that comes with being responsible for paying the bills, and gives her time to focus on her own self-care, which up to this point in time, she has most probably neglected.
Why not try it out as one-time experiment; you can always go back to the way things are if it does not work out.
Does this mean she doesn’t have a voice?
Not at all. When it comes to the finances, and what the family should spend money on, she lets him know what her opinions are, but she doesn’t push her opinions onto him. She lets him know if she fears a decision he is making might not be successful, but she does this responsibly – by speaking for herself and not for him, and by using ‘I’ statements.. I feel, I want, I can’t, I'm afraid... And if he does make a mistake, she trusts his positive intentions and helps him to get over it by building up his confidence, rather than tearing his character down.
Surrendering doesn’t mean that women don't speak up and instead make their husbands go it alone and make mistakes – men need their wives by their sides, as their best friend who will point out things that others wouldn’t bother telling them. However, when done with feminine diplomacy and self-expression, it will be heard, accepted and digested rather than being rejected, ignored or even resented.
If it isn’t broken, don't fix it
If what you are doing is working for you, then that's fabulous. If you have a good understanding between the two of you, where you bring in a fair amount of income into the home, and your husband is a responsible person who is ambitious and aspiring in his own profession, then go ahead and enjoy it. The problem arises when a woman is so ambitious and capable that the man starts to feel inadequate and loses the impetus to aim high, especially in the current economic climate where many people are being made redundant or losing their jobs.
You know what’s best for your situation
Surrendering the finances may just not work for you. You may have a wonderful husband who just isn’t responsible enough with money, and you may decide that it is best that you have control of the finances. If that is the case with you, then do try to put money aside which will help you to remain grounded and not become exhausted and overwhelmed with the responsibility. Look after yourself with regular self-care, delegate as many jobs as you can; get a cleaner, a tutor for the children, and employ someone to look after the children so you have time to go out with your husband and enjoy his company.