Expressing Desires - Where Would You Like to Go?
Inspirity's Note: Sarah Warmly has run extremely successful Online Surrendering Courses and is currently in the process of redesigning her next project. I did my SW course with her.
Part 1
Dear Sarah,
My birthday is coming up, and my husband said he would take me out to lunch.He asked where I would like to go. I would like to go to a Lebanese restaurant, but I feel guilty for asking as it is quite far away, and it will take too long on a working day..... I feel bad to put him in the position.
What would be the right thing to do?
I would also like to go out boating at a park in Central London, with my kids and him, but I am afraid he will say no. I find it hard to be girly, and fun, when asking for what I want, because when those needs are not met, I feel deflated. In the end I put up a barrier up between me and him, where I don't ask for what I want, so I don't get hurt when I don't get it.
From: SarahWarmly
There is nothing wrong in your expressing the 2 desires you have mentioned (re your Birthday wishes) as long as you let go of the expectation that he will meet them....just put them out there and then see what he does.....
Give him the opportunity to be inventive about how he meets your desires, maybe he will take extra time off work, maybe he will get you a Lebanese take-away and take you to the Park, whatever it is he does don't YOU worry about it, leave it to him to figure out and then sit back and enjoy !
Part 2
Dear Sarah,
I DO have a hard time expressing my desires. I really felt it today.
Last night my husband asked what I wanted to do "for my birthday"
So I laughed and said "I want to spend some time with you and the children. I also want to spend some time alone with you! I also feel like having Lebanese food, and I want to go to a park" So we laughed at my long list. but I thought "there, I've told him now (let's see what he does!)"
We were driving in the car, and we were looking for a place to eat. I had told him I would pack a mat in case we needed to sit in the park.
Whilst driving, I really wanted to say "I want to have a Lebanese" or "I want to go to the park"... but I really felt that if I said it, it would be selfish, because he would have no other option, than to do what I said... i mean, isn't THAT controlling?
I mean when you say "i want this, I want that" don't you seem like a demanding brat?"
I would much rather have said "can we go to the park?" then he could have said yes or no. it would be more 'diplomatic'
So i didn't know what to say, so i kept my mouth shut, and when i felt he was so close to the car in front, i looked away and closed my eyes!
Then I watched the Lebanese restaurant pass us by, and didn't say anything. I mean, i told him what I wanted yesterday! I got a bit miffed.
Wouldn't it have been better to say "shall we go to that Lebanese place?" I guess I felt vulnerable, like I didn't know what was coming next. In the end I got what I wanted... but it was on his terms and not mine.
From: SarahWarmly
I think you did just great actually. You said what you wanted, you accepted what you got and you kept your mouth shut about what was scowling around in your head trying to spoil things !!
The key as you said was that you felt vulnerable, this is what you are meant to start feeling and at first it doesn't feel very nice because we're used to pushing it away....but I imagine he picked up on it and was drawn to you......see how he came to sit with you when you were happy sewing the other night? It shows how men are with their wives, they are drawn to you when you stop running after them or when you let the real soft you show!
Well done !
Part 3
Dear Sarah,
I seem to feel that if I don’t say "Would you please" or "could you please...", and if I just say "I want I want I want" then it going to sounds really rude.
In fact I feel that this a childish way of getting you needs met, instead of a mature way? Why am I resisting saying I want?
Please Advise
Reply From: SarahWarmly
With 'I want' , yes I know what you mean, you could try other variations that work for you like 'I would like'....as long as it does not have expectation attached, just you stating your desires....