Husband and pornography

Answered by Wajihah Gregor

Question:

I fear that my husband may have a porno problem. While I was searching for lost files on the computer, I found some disturbing pornographic pictures in the recent documents. I talked to him about it and he got very embarrassed. He said that everything was fine with our sexual relations, but he still went on the internet twice and pleasured himself at the same time. I even think that once I woke up and saw him. He said that mornings are high peaks for him, but that he does not want to wake me. We talked about it but then a month later, I find some more pornographic files.

Answer:
The characters in pornographic shows stimulate the feeling in the casual or compulsive viewer that they are keenly desired and wanted. Although this is perverted atmosphere, the intrinsic need for men to feel desired and wanted can be a totally wholesome feeling in the confines of marriage. If these emotional and physical needs are not being met by their spouse, this may be the initial reason that leads them to watch pornography.

It is a good sign that your husband felt embarrassed and bad when you addressed him about his behaviour. This means his heart is still alive with the notions of right and wrong, so remain committed and steadfast to him in helping him overcome this trial.

Instead of expecting your husband to wake you in the morning, make the effort to rise before him, preparing yourself beautifully for him and scenting the room with beautiful smells. Wake him lovingly, and tell him how much you need and desire him.
Moreover, ask him what are his secret sexual fantasies and do your best to accommodate them. Assure him that you are eager to fulfil his fantasies, so that embarrassment does not prevent him from telling you.

This may feel awkward for you at first, but by satisfying his emotions and fantasies, you will stunt his negative behaviour and will fulfil his needs lawfully.

Your loving effort, and your satisfying commitment, should encourage your husband to stop viewing pornography.

Remember, that by these efforts of yours, you are not only forbidding the wrong, but also commanding the right. This will impact society for the better, and your reward is with Allah Most High.

And Allah Knows Best

Wajihah Gregor

MMVIII © SunniPath.

www.sunnipath.com

The Pauline Marriage

by Francis Clare Fischer

"I am a Christian and a plain Quaker. As such, I wear a prayer cap. It is a precious reminder of Paul's call that we pray always and as a woman Paul asks, in my understanding, that I cover my head in prayer. It is also a reminder of a more controversial request of Paul. Paul asks that women cover their heads as a sign of obedience to their husbands.

"What I have found is that Paul's simple prescription for marriage has healed and brought great joy to my own marriage and that of others I have known. Paul asked husbands, first and foremost, to love their wives as Christ did the Church. Now we know that there is no greater or more unconditional love than this. Then he said, in effect, "Women, this is what a Christian husband is. Be obedient to him." That is very different than the sense one is so often given of Paul's request. Over a long and sad history, Paul's brilliant request has become twisted and made a justification for women's obedience to a domestic tyrant. Nothing could be more unlike the requirements of a Pauline marriage. In fact, I say that Paul's request is brilliant, because it creates a situation where neither man nor woman can become tyrannical. It creates a situation where love is necessary."

Read the rest of this article here:
http://www.michiganquakers.org/pauline_marriage.htm

This article was suggested by S.S x

The Righteous Wife

She’s not religious in certain situations only.

She is religious outwardly and inwardly.

Religion and good character are permanent traits in her.

It’s in her nature, they don’t leave her whether she’s angry or content,

happy or sad.

They are a part of her day and night, inside and outside the house,

in school or at work, with sheikhs and merchants alike,

in the mosque and in the market, with parents and relatives,

neighbours and friends, husband and children.

She is the religion and the religion is she.

She lives and dies by it.

She doesn’t compromise her religion for any reason.

She tasted the sweetness of faith, so she knew and stood fast in it.

She can’t be irreligious for one moment.

Religion is the air she breaths, the beat of her heart, the flow of her blood.

It’s her whole life that she can’t live without.

It’s her joy, she’s the mirror that reflects the beauty of her religion, and its greatness.

she’s the granddaughter of Lady Khadija may Allah be pleased with her

who received a message from the King of kings that He is pleased with her.

She the second half of her husband, she encourages him with his worship.

From Furqaan Magazine (Arabic)

SunniPath Summer Registration Opens!

First Live Session: Saturday, May 16th

Click here for more details

Attention all Muslim men and women, married or single! This is an absolutely fabulous online course! You will learn so much from it - live interactive lessons with Ustadah Hedaya Hartford - ask as many questions you like during the lesson and even after the lesson. Extremely insightful and educational, learn to differentiate between culture and Islamic Law.

Teacher(s): Ust. Hedaya Hartford
Course Code: LAW130
Next Semester: Summer 2009
Course Length: 13 Weeks
Live Sessions: Saturday, 3:00 PM - 5:00 PM GMT (convert to your time zone)
First Live Session: Saturday, May 16th
Course Format: Weekly live sessions
Department: Law

At-a-glance:

• Whether you are already married or looking to the future, learn the essentials of an Islamic marriage
• Benefit from noted marriage expert Ustadha Hedaya Hartford’s practical advice and tips
• Understand the basic fiqh of marriage and divorce, breaking down common misconceptions
• Learn how to establish good communication
• Find ways of dealing with problems and conflict resolution
• Avoid destructive habits
• Set good habits with in-laws
  

Course Overview:

• Basic fiqh of marriage
• Basic fiqh of divorce
• Choosing a spouse
• Types of communication
• Triggers and dramas
• In-laws
• Staying married
• Analyzing marital issues/problems and destructive habits

Is your love message getting across?

If you are your spouse are not speaking the same language - there will be problems. You may want him to talk to you, so you can hear his love song, whilst he may want you to touch him, so he can feel the love.

If you and your spouse are not on the same wavelength - don't despair, you don't have to change! Be the person you are! Explain how like to be loved, and just give your spouse what they need. It's really that simple.

The three different wavelengths are: Auditory, Visual, and Kinesthetic. You maybe a mixture of two, or may have a bit of all three (not ideal).

Read an article on the three types of love wavelengths

Can it help relationships? See me. Hear me. Touch me.

Money Matters: My New Year's Resolution to Help Hubby in a New Way

http://blog.meganbasham.com/

In September, 2008 Random House published Megan Basham's first book, Beside Every Successful Man, a controversial and critically-hailed work that examines how women can help their husbands achieve greater success in the workplace.

"One of the things that many of the wives I interviewed for the book were very good at that I still struggle with is managing family finances. I've never been a budgeter, a coupon cutter, or a bargain shopper as my girlfriends can all attest. Yet many successful men told me that one of the things they most appreciated about their wives while they were climbing up the ladder was how she was able to keep the family living within its means..."

Read the full article here

This article was inspired by SAS x

Parental divorce is key factor in break-ups amongst their children

Family Relationships Magazine
Parental divorce is key factor in break-ups amongst their children
July 16, 2007 by Andy Merrett · Leave a Comment

This may sound obvious to some, but a new study suggests that the rate of relational and marital breakup was higher amongst those whose parents had divorced.

The study looked at other factors, such as genetics or parental substance abuse, but found that divorce itself was a key factor that lead to the higher rate in children.

Read the rest of the article

The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman

Click book to buy from Inspirity's Book Clinic:

Article written by Ibraheem Kreps
Islamica Magazine
http://www.islamicamagazine.com/

"Gottman states that the basis of an enduring marriage is a solid friendship in the couple. This friendship comes from “mutual positive regard”.

The seven principles are designed to further solidify this already solid friendship:

1) ENHANCE YOUR LOVE MAPS

Get to know your partner—their preferences and their dislikes. Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. They know each other’s goals, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes and expectations. She knows what kind of salad dressing he likes, and he knows how she feels about her boss at work. She knows what deadlines he is working towards and he knows how she feels about his sister-in-law. These are the nuts and bolts of communication.

2) NURTURE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Gottman states: “Although happily married couples may be driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. When this sense is completely missing from a relationship (i.e. contempt has taken over) the relationship cannot be revived.”

My own take on this is that there is a gender distinction here. Men need to feel admired (for their achievements) and women need to feel loved (for themselves). In either case the need for positive regard is fundamental.
Gottman continues: “Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage.

By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities— even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.”

3) TURN TOWARDS EACH OTHER,NOT AWAY

This involves taking each other’s side, even if you believe his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t side with the opposition as this will make the spouse resentful or dejected. This means that if the spouse comes home and complains about the harshness of his employer, don’t even attempt to justify the employer’s behavior at the expense of your partner. The truth in this situation can wait for later.

4) LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU

This can be especially hard for males. As Muslims, we have been encouraged to consult. And after all the best of consultants is often right next to us. So we have to get around the trap of always wanting to be right and always knowing everything.

For example, one of the natural areas of conflict occurs in household organization. Men seem to be more aware of the functional aspects of things (How strong is the water pressure? How many amps of electricity are in the electrical boxes? How many beams are supporting the floors?) while women tend to be more aware of the aesthetics (the wall-paper is old and dingy, the lighting is dim, and none of the windows have curtains).

There is an obvious complementarity here, but it can easily break down into conflict—especially if the budget is tight and priorities have to be set. Once again, communication and compromise are de rigueur. Any attempt to tyrannically impose one’s will is likely to be met with resentment and bitterness even if acquiescence is the initial reaction.

5) SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS

These include relations with in-laws, dealing with money matters, distributing housework, and conflicts about raising children. Each of these subjects are potential minefields. Although each of these dimensions operates according to their own laws, the basic approach has to be the same:

a) Soften the startup, i.e. don’t begin with hostility and attack. Instead of “I hate it when your mother comes over” try “The next time your mother comes over, could you tell her that it really hurts me when she criticizes my child-rearing practices.”
b) Learn to back off and make repair attempts. Don’t keep pushing the point if you are at loggerheads. Avoid emotional flooding.
c) Soothe yourself and each other. Again, avoid emotional flooding. Take a break. “Chill out” as they say in modern lingo.
d) Look for compromise and common ground. Dr. Phil, the TV psychology guru likes to repeat in his shows “A couple is negotiation.” In order for this to occur, one must return to principle four—allowing yourself to be influenced.
e) Be tolerant of each other’s faults.

6) OVERCOME GRIDLOCK

There are inevitably some unsolvable problems in couples. Here Dr. Gottman has an interesting insight. He claims that one of the major sources of unsolvable problems is not including each person’s dreams in the couple’s contract.

I have seen this in my practice on numerous occasions. For example, if the woman has always dreamed of having children and the male partner objects for whatever reason (maybe this is his second marriage and he feels he has no energy left for other children), this will sabotage the marriage. Another example is the male who has always dreamed of having his own business. If his female partner is too insecure and pushes him to take a stable job at a large firm this too will weigh heavily against the success of their union.

Actually there is a spiritual dimension to this particular dilemma. The deep-seated dreams we carry in our hearts are reflections of our destiny, given to us by our Creator. If we resist and oppose them, we are actually resisting Divine Will and no good can come from this.

7) CREATE SHARED MEANING

This may involve family rituals, the evening meal together or common goals (building a house , preparing together for a world tour or developing a charitable project). In this vein Gottman leaves us with a series of practical suggestions as to time management. He calls this the magic five
hours:

a) Say goodbye in the morning and find out one item in the day’s agenda of the spouse. ( 5 minutes each workday)
b) Debrief together at the end of each work day to unstress. (20 minutes each workday)
c) Communicate some genuine affection and appreciation every day. (5 minutes each day)
d) Express affection physically once a day, Could be a kiss or a hug or back rub. (5 minutes each day)
e) A weekly date (away from the pressures of home and work). This can take many forms—a visit to the coffee shop, a
meal at a restaurant or a long walk in nature. (2 hours per week)

Now do the math. It’s 5 hours per week—a very worthwhile investment."

Is your Husband a fern or a bamboo?

A lot of women are in a dilemma these days due to the financial crisis. Lots of men have been made redundant, and are so highly-skilled that they don't want to lower their standards and apply for low-pay jobs.

Other men have just recently qualified in their professions and are not getting any jobs. There's nothing out there and this can be a really trying time for the woman aswell.

Then there's the third category of men, who just don't aspire to get better jobs and are quite happy on low pay jobs even though if they just pushed a bit harder, could provide a much better lifestyle for their families.

What ever the reason, if you (wives) feel that your husbands aren't meeting your high standards, try to remind yourself that these are his standards that he is setting for himself. It really has nothing to do with you. Stand by him on his journey, and give him the space and support to develop in the type of man he is meant to be, not the type of man you want him to be.

And try to take a moment to reflect: Is your Husband a fern or a bamboo?




One day I decided to quit...

I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.

When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.

"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. "I would not quit." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant... But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

It had spent the five years growing roots.

Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."

He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots."

"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you. " Don't compare yourself to others .." He said. " The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern ... Yet, they both make the forest beautiful.

" Your time will come, " God said to me. " You will rise high! " How high should I rise?" I asked.

How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.

"As high as it can? " I questioned.

" Yes. " He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can. "

I left the forest and bring back this story.

I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

He will never give up on you.

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

He Wishes For The Clothes Of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

"One of the major sources of unsolvable problems is not including each person’s dreams in the couple’s contract."

John Gottman

One Day as a Perfect 1950's housewife

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article3510810.ece

Of course, I love Mr Millard but do I dote on him? Do I look after him? Do I nurture him when he is ill? I’m not at all sure that I do. Our set-up is based on equality, you see. We were married in the 1990s, not the 1890s. He’s a better cook than I am and has a much better bedside manner.


But does all this equality make him happy? When I murmur to him at 6am that he can probably find the paracetamol himself and could he, by the way, make me some tea, I am doubtless enhancing the female cause of parity in matrimony. But am I enhancing his life?


Do I have supper prepared and a drink ready for him when he arrives back from work? No. Do I ensure that the house is immaculate and the children freshly spruced when he turns up? Not really. Do I even change for supper? Unless you count getting into pyjamas, no. But today I’m going to do my best.

Read Mr Millards Response Here