Re-awakening the authentic feminine...
The Essence of Womanhood, by UK author Susie Heath, is a fabulous book which explains everything you need to know about being a woman... From lost femininity to recognising excessive masculine energies in our bodies. Learn to love your body, have others love you for your feminine essence, and ultimately learn to let go of your limiting beliefs and acquiring new empowering values. Susie is a psychotherapist, life & relationshipship coach and offers coaching & dance workshops. Visit her website at: http://www.essenceofwomanhood.com/
Susie provides some great insights into her works in the following interview by Martin Nathanael (republished with kind permission)
The Awakening Revue, No. 9, January 2009
Journal of The Awakening Foundation
www.awakeningfoundation.com
Martin: Susie, reading your book “The Essence of Womanhood” has triggered a number of questions which I hope you will answer for me. It’s clear that a substantial aim of your book is to help women let go of levels of conditioning which prevent them from enjoying life expressing their authentic feminine nature. How does your approach differ from the feminism of recent decades whose aim was the liberation of women? (You do say in your book that “feminism kills the spirit of femininity”.)
Susie: Yes, I’ve noticed over the last few years particularly that femin-ism seems to have gone too far. Even Germaine Greer is admitting that it’s just gone beyond what it was designed to do. It was designed to get women into the workplace in a way where they were able to take responsibility and not be under the thumb of businesses trad-itionally run in a more masculine way. But it’s over-stepped the mark. The bra-burning of the 60’s was fine, but since then women have just got tougher and tougher.
The culture now seems to have gone so away from any tuning in with our bodies, with our spirit, with just the whole way we live. You see it in the media, you see it with the lad-ettes - the girls who are swilling beer and out all night. There doesn’t seem to be any depth and passion and compassion and that whole loving nature seems to have disappeared. And women are suffering, and I don’t think they realize how much they are suffering.
It’s very noticeable in cities and not just in this country. I did research in Singapore and in Sydney and talking to women there, the stress culture has become so strong in business. Women are wearing pin-striped trouser suits and having illnesses the way men traditionally did. And there’s a lot of testosterone being produced in women now, it’s affecting everything – it affects our adrenal glands, they completely get messed up. So medically we’re talking about a prob-lem as well, it’s not just a social problem Feminism was very useful in its time, it’s opened women to a much greater level of freedom – but it has gone too far.
Martin: How can women be relieved of the beliefs and thoughts which make them go down that road, which somehow entice them down this road of trying to be pseudo-men?
Susie: This masculine behaviour happens particularly in business, and I see women quite aggressive, not just within their own role, but very aggressive to other women.
I give talks to women in business who turn up in their pin-stripe trouser suits complete with waistcoat to match - and you can see by their energy and the vibration that they’re giving out that they’re not really being themselves. They’ve put on a mask – it shows in the way they walk, the way they stand and their voice just gets very powerful, sharp and over dramatic!
I was giving a talk in Mayfair a few weeks ago to a women’s business lunch, and when I started to talk you could palpably feel the energy completely shift, and within twenty minutes these women relaxed, they looked so relieved, there were a lot of tears, and their faces changed from being really hard, and aggressive, and resistant, and protective, to being gentle, and soft, and, you know, they looked so much more beautiful. But relief, Martin, that somebody had given them permission. I think that’s why.
Martin: What you’ve described is you being there as a role model and the women actually seeing that role model, and saying, “Hey, what am I missing?” Is that right?
Susie: Yes. But there’s also a fear that’s inbuilt. Some women have been brought up with the idea that they have to be totally self-sufficient, strong and powerful. And we have this word “empowerment of women”. And to me, that’s a misnomer. I’m very aware now of the language that we use and the language that women use particularly. Also, a lot of women use many swear words and . . . you know, I’m not being prissy and ridiculous here; it’s just my experience, and yes, I’ve done all this stuff too . . . I used to do the power-dressing, I used to swear like a trooper, I used to smoke like a chimney, and drink like a fish, so it’s not as if I’m coming from some goody-goody point of view; this is my experience, and I’m recognizing now what it was doing to my body; and what it was doing to the men I was with, but also to the young girls, the women, and to my kids. So it was a recognition of “is this working for me?” And it wasn’t.
I did a lot of training and a lot of workshops with some of the well-known American gurus in the personal development field, and a lot of them have a very strong sort of religious and spiritual understanding. But as men they were very powerful and forceful on stage, and we were expected emulate them; they were our role models. And I used to come away from those workshops really fired up, making my power moves, and getting my goals organized, and everything. But I was exhausted, absolutely exhausted! And it made me feel a failure, and I think this is what’s happening with a lot of women – they’re exhausted and stretched and overwhelmed and stress levels are very high. But they don’t know how to let go because, as you say, there’s no role model, there’s no permission.
When I started giving myself permission, and really listened to what my body and my spirit were saying, it was very, very different. And the turn around in me has been extraordinary – not without its struggle, I have to say, because those patterns of behaviour and those patterns of “no, I have to behave in a particular way if I want to be successful” have been very strong, but I’ve realized that they aren’t the way to success, for whatever success means to everybody, but it’s not a way that works.
Martin: You’ve talked about the wrong kind of power, the empowerment that women felt sucked into, but you do talk about feminine power in your book, and you distinguish between feminine power and masculine force. Obviously you’re referring to a natural feminine power – what is a natural feminine power and how is that different from masculine power or force?
Susie: Interestingly, I’ve now changed that word “power” and I now call it “potency” which to me is a soft but very, very strong energy word. And that feels more mystical in a way. When women are behaving like men, it becomes like stags fighting in a wood – there’s no give and take, there’s no listening, there’s no gifting and receiving, there’s no connection and communion that can work.
Whereas when women are being in their place of potency, there’s an energy there which is claiming and owning the elegance, the beauty, the depth – that intrinsic strength which women have. I mean, women are very strong, incredibly strong - giving birth is not an easy rite of passage. So we’ve been given that strength and that blessing, that role to be the givers of birth. There’s a very strong role for women, but when we don’t claim and own that as our feminine energy, and we emulate men, and try to be men, we’re losing out on that part of us that can take pride in being women.
So the difference, I think, between that potency and what I formerly called power and the force of men . . . I mean, I love men, as you know, I’m a great fan of men, I think you’re wonderful. I’m one of these women who really adores men – I’m so grateful to you guys, and the incredible gifts, and the protection and the strength that you are able to offer to us.
But when I’m in my masculine “power”, I fail to honour that, because I’m so busy trying to be strong, and prove myself, and trying to prove that I’m not weak and feeble, and all the rest of it.
I believe that when women go more into their feminine, and I don’t mean pink and fluffy, or weak and feeble at all. But when we acknowledge and own and claim this feminine strength that we have, I believe that men can then step up and be the strong, protectors of us which is intrinsic in you! We often hear women say, “Where have all the men gone? There aren’t any real men anymore!” It’s because women have stepped up and robbed you of your position as our protectors, because there are not many things these days that women can’t do – except that we don’t have the endurance that you have. But it means that a lot of men have got very weak, they’ve got very feminised, if you like. Whether it’s because they’ve given up, or there’s just no point in being their chivalrous, honourable, masculine self.
Martin: If we go back to the Renaissance and prior to that the Middle Ages, and even earlier, there was this concept of chivalry – a certain way in which the man related to woman. It was a very respectful, almost worshipful approach of the man to the woman which is expressed in some of the beautiful Pre-Raphaelite paintings that you may have seen . . .
Susie: Absolutely, yes, beautiful.
Martin: So is there a way in which that energy could be cultivated today – not copying the past, but in a way that’s appropriate in the 21st century?
Susie: My belief is that the majority of women still would love to be cherished by a man, and looked after, and complimented, but we’ve been taught not to do that. You know, it’s become the new way of behaviour. A man friend of mine (a husband of a friend of mine) opened a door to a woman a few weeks ago. She was very scathing and she turned round and said, “I suppose you did that because I’m a woman!” And he said, “No, it’s because I’m a gentleman.” I thought that was absolutely perfect – because it’s a gift when men look after us. It makes us feel cherished, it makes us feel honoured, and respected, and cared for, and it’s so stressful having to carry that whole load ourselves.
When women give themselves permission to be feminine, it also gives men permission to step up into their masculine.
Martin: Bearing in mind that what you’re saying is that whilst at the very deepest level we are the same, at a certain energetic level there are primal differences between man and woman, what is the best way in which those primal differences can come together in a relationship – how do you see it working? What would be your ideal relationship between a man and a woman?
Susie: I don’t agree with an equal relationship. When people say, “We want an equal relationship”, I quiver with horror because equality is sharing everything down the line; it’s “you do the washing and I’ll do the drying “– it doesn’t bring out each other’s qualities, each other’s talents, each other’s magical points.
To me the relationship is to bring out the best in the other person; and again, I think that’s something that’s been forgotten. We haven’t been taught, you know, how do I bring out the best in you? All I would want to do in a relationship is bring out the best in the other person, and I would hope that they would bring out the best in me. But we’ve been taught this equality nonsense, and this sharing - sharing the bill down the middle, and all the rest of it. And again, that becomes a sort of grounds for argument all the time. I’ve seen women taking what I would consider a very masculine role in relationships, in marriages - I have a lot of very masculinised female clients who come in and say, “I don’t know what’s wrong in my marriage, I don’t know what’s wrong with my husband, he doesn’t fancy me any more, our intimacy has vanished. We just seem to argue all the time. What’s wrong with him?” And I really do have to stand them in front of a mirror, and say, “Well, look at the way you are holding your body. Look at the way you walk, look at the way your face is, look at how hard you are becoming!” I don’t hold back with my clients - they come to me because they want to change, and I have to show them what it is they’re doing.
And then when we look at their belief systems and what they believe about life, about love, about men, about women – and very often you find that their belief system is something that’s been given to them by other people: by the media, their teachers, by school, by religion, by their parents – who knows? But this belief system happens very, very early on – and we take that on board, and we run with it even if it doesn’t make sense.
I go back to what I said earlier on – women want to be cherished, we want to be complemented, we want to be looked after to a certain extent – I don’t mean so that we become chattels of the men and cocooned, I don’t mean like that. But so we can relax – because when we’re able to relax and nurture ourselves, when we give to ourselves that’s when we’re able to give so much more back to our partner.
For women to learn again, to acknow-ledge, to appreciate, to really notice when a man is doing something – because my belief is that men really want to make women happy. And when we fail to acknowledge that you’ve made us happy, it really hurts you, and it really upsets you, and because we’re not very good at communicating (we expect you to mind-read us!), we don’t tell you what’s wrong.
And so there’s a lack of comm.-unication. I believe there’s a whole new gen-eration of teaching people how to relate in a way that is deeper, stronger, that has got much more beauty and joy in it and much more fulfilment.
Martin: Thank you. You say in your book – and I agree with what you say – you describe the essence of femininity as one of love – “deep, abiding, generous, unconditional love.” Is that not true also of the essence of man?
Susie: I think it is and I would also say – I’m sticking my neck out here - I would probably say, because this is something I’ve heard and it really resonated with me: that women are 100% love and men are 90% love and 10% builders.
Martin: I know who said that. It was Barry Long.
Susie: It was Barry Long. And I liked that. That to me made a lot of sense.
Martin: “90% love, 10% something to do” was what he said.
Susie: Something to do, something to build! And I really like that. I think that’s very empowering for men. It gives you a strong role there, and that again makes me as a woman feel . . . ahhh, I can let go and allow myself to be nurtured. So there’s this strength there, this permission for men to build and to be creators then.
Martin: It seems to me that whilst in the very essence man and woman are one, we are that one essence of love, the gate through which that love manifests has a different energy to it.
Susie: Yes, absolutely, and I think that that’s also partly to do with the way our bodies are made – men’s bits are all external, women’s bits are all internal.
Martin: That’s very yang and yin.
Susie: That’s very yang and yin. Women are portrayed in the yin-yang symbol as being very dark – and some women go, “I’m not dark”, but it just means we can go inside our own emotions. Our sexual organs are all internal, they’re hidden away. And when we’re very emotional - we’re much more emotional, much more perhaps in touch with our feelings and more able to express them perhaps than men. And our energy is much gentler – and I know there are exceptions to this rule, so please don’t tell me.
And for men, your energy, your yang energyis much more outward, it’s much more forceful, it’s much more direct, it’s much more straightforward – women are more complex, we work much more right and left brain at the same time. And this multi-tasking has very strong roots in our DNA, in the way we were in cave-woman times, so it’s not just a modern invention that women are multi-tasking – it’s a very primordial behaviour and has very strong survival instinct needs there.
Martin: I see qualities in women that can definitely invoke a response of worship. The chivalry that we referred to earlier on, which goes right back to the Platonic teaching on the ascent of love, is really a love of beauty. The Greeks used the word Beauty as an alternative for the word God.
So it seems to me that this is a genuine way, not that one goes out consciously with that in mind. But for a man, the love for a woman can be his spiritual path – and probably vice-versa as well. What would you say about that?
Susie: I think it’s rare, and I feel we’ve all missed out on it. And I do agree – that beauty and that love doesn’t tend to happen in the concrete jungles that we’re involved in here, now. For a woman to get back into that place where she becomes at one with her femininity is where she connects with the earth, where she connects with water, where she connects with nature.
I try and get my clients to get out into nature as often as possible. I was at a very interesting seminar for a couple of weeks in the Bahamas, and one of the exercises we did was to go outside and just be in nature for a while. One of the girls I was with lived in London, right in the middle of the city, and I was lying under a beautiful tree just looking at the whirls of leaves, and the magic number of the way everything was set out, it looked like musical notes to me – it was just beautiful. And she said, “What are you doing?” And I said, “Well, I’m lying, looking at the top of the tree!” And she said she looked up and it was the first time she’d ever looked up and seen the tops of trees!
And I think this happens these days. People don’t go out into nature, they don’t go out and connect. I dance on the beach a lot, I dance in the sea, I’m in the mountains as often as I can be, I’m out in the gardens and smelling flowers and picking fruit from the orchards, and being in nature as much as I can – and that really, really connects me with that earthiness, that juiciness, that fruitfulness that really connects us back with that feminine part of us. And I think that’s what men notice in this worshipping part – when we’re really, really back to that purity, when we’re not taking on programmes of how we’re supposed to look and how we’re supposed to be, but when we’re smiling, and when we’re happy, and when we’re just being our normal self without putting any airs or graces or anything extra – when we’re just being really true to our intrinsic nature.
You were saying earlier that I talk about things being effortless – it is effortless when you’re being your real self. It’s incredibly effort-ful when you’re not. I see women trying terribly hard when they’re dating or when they’re trying to connect with men. I ‘m going, “Stop trying!” “Yes, but if I don’t try, I’m not going to get . . . ” But again, being who you really are is not effortful. It’s being who you’re not that’s effortful. It’s putting on this false mask, this other behaviour, the not-you that causes effort and stress.
Martin: The other day when I was talking to you, I sort of joked with you, I said, “Hmm, you’ve written a book called The Essence of Womanhood. Maybe you’ll write a book called The Essence of Manhood.And you said, “No, the presence of manhood!” Could you elaborate a bit on that?
Susie: Oo! It sends a shiver up my spine. That’s good energy. Again I think this is about honouring the man. The presence of man – there’s nothing more delicious than seeing a man again owning and honouring who he is, when he’s really present with who he is. And you see that in his body when he’s standing up, and his head is erect – and women, we judge men, and then we test you like mad to make sure you’re stronger than us. That’s another thing that women do in relationship, we test you – please be stronger than me, please be . . . oh, you’re not going to be, OK, then I have to be masculine again.
But when you’re really honouring and owning your masculine energy, your power, we notice it around your shoulders and around your chest area. And everything relaxes and looks strong – and that’s when we have this awareness that you can look after us. And it’s so subtle, Martin, you know, it’s not something that we think of logically, it’s just a knowingness. Can I trust that man or can’t I? And it’s when a man is standing in the presence of who he really is.
So this is about him standing, holding his ground, being firm and allowing the woman, then, to be who she is because women need to rant, you know; we need to get stuff off our chests, we need to rant. If a man can stand there and hold that power, rather like being a sea wall, that’s the way I see him – being like a sea wall that holds and contains this energy of woman which can be very flighty and fluid and very feisty, and very gentle, and very up and down, and can be all over the place. But when you are holding that space in the way you hold your body and your energy, and really enjoying that presence of who you are – oh, my goodness, will that help change the world. It really, really will.
When you can step up into the presence of who you are and not be swayed by all the nonsense in the media and do not get tied up with the nasty language and the rather crass behaviour that seems to be very prevalent – when you step up and become in your presence, that’s when I think the world will change as well.
So I think we both have very different but very complementary ways of beingness within this yin-yang energy, and I’ve started to work much more with men now explaining what women want, what they really want.
Martin: What you really, really want!
Susie: What we really, really, really, really want! Because we don’t know what we want – a lot of women don’t really know what they want. So it’s helping men now to step up and honour themselves.
More articles by Susie can be read here
