Would one like some suggestions for fascinatingly addressing one's husband...?
http://www.online-literature.com/kipling/162/
The Butterfly that Stamped
THIS, O my Best Beloved, is a story--a new and a wonderful story--a story quite different from the other stories--a story about The Most Wise Sovereign Suleiman-bin-Daoud--Solomon the Son of David.
There are three hundred and fifty-five stories about Suleiman- bin-Daoud; but this is not one of them. It is not the story of the Lapwing who found the Water; or the Hoopoe who shaded Suleimanbin-Daoud from the heat. It is not the story of the Glass Pavement, or the Ruby with the Crooked Hole, or the Gold Bars of Balkis. It is the story of the Butterfly that Stamped.
Now attend all over again and listen!
Suleiman-bin-Daoud was wise. He understood what the beasts said, what the birds said, what the fishes said, and what the insects said. He understood what the rocks said deep under the earth when they bowed in towards each other and groaned; and he understood what the trees said when they rustled in the middle of the morning. He understood everything, from the bishop on the bench to the hyssop on the wall, and Balkis, his Head Queen, the Most Beautiful Queen Balkis, was nearly as wise as he was.
Suleiman-bin-Daoud was strong. Upon the third finger of the right hand he wore a ring. When he turned it once, Afrits and Djinns came Out of the earth to do whatever he told them. When he turned it twice, Fairies came down from the sky to do whatever he told them; and when he turned it three times, the very great angel Azrael of the Sword came dressed as a water-carrier, and told him the news of the three worlds,--Above--Below--and Here.
And yet Suleiman-bin-Daoud was not proud. He very seldom showed off, and when he did he was sorry for it. Once he tried to feed all the animals in all the world in one day, but when the food was ready an Animal came out of the deep sea and ate it up in three mouthfuls. Suleiman-bin-Daoud was very surprised and said, 'O Animal, who are you?' And the Animal said, 'O King, live for ever! I am the smallest of thirty thousand brothers, and our home is at the bottom of the sea. We heard that you were going to feed all the animals in all the world, and my brothers sent me to ask when dinner would be ready.' Suleiman-bin-Daoud was more surprised than ever and said, 'O Animal, you have eaten all the dinner that I made ready for all the animals in the world.' And the Animal said, 'O King, live for ever, but do you really call that a dinner? Where I come from we each eat twice as much as that between meals.' Then Suleiman-bin-Daoud fell flat on his face and said, 'O Animal! I gave that dinner to show what a great and rich king I was, and not because I really wanted to be kind to the animals. Now I am ashamed, and it serves me right. Suleiman-bin-Daoud was a really truly wise man, Best Beloved. After that he never forgot that it was silly to show off; and now the real story part of my story begins.
He married ever so many wifes. He married nine hundred and ninety-nine wives, besides the Most Beautiful Balkis; and they all lived in a great golden palace in the middle of a lovely garden with fountains. He didn't really want nine-hundred and ninety-nine wives, but in those days everybody married ever so many wives, and of course the King had to marry ever so many more just to show that he was the King.
Some of the wives were nice, but some were simply horrid, and the horrid ones quarrelled with the nice ones and made them horrid too, and then they would all quarrel with Suleiman-bin-Daoud, and that was horrid for him. But Balkis the Most Beautiful never quarrelled with Suleiman-bin-Daoud. She loved him too much. She sat in her rooms in the Golden Palace, or walked in the Palace garden, and was truly sorry for him.
Of course if he had chosen to turn his ring on his finger and call up the Djinns and the Afrits they would have magicked all those nine hundred and ninety-nine quarrelsome wives into white mules of the desert or greyhounds or pomegranate seeds; but Suleiman-bin-Daoud thought that that would be showing off. So, when they quarrelled too much, he only walked by himself in one part of the beautiful Palace gardens and wished he had never been born.
One day, when they had quarrelled for three weeks--all nine hundred and ninety-nine wives together--Suleiman-bin-Daoud went out for peace and quiet as usual; and among the orange trees he met Balkis the Most Beautiful, very sorrowful because Suleiman- bin-Daoud was so worried. And she said to him, 'O my Lord and Light of my Eyes, turn the ring upon your finger and show these Queens of Egypt and Mesopotamia and Persia and China that you are the great and terrible King.' But Suleiman-bin-Daoud shook his head and said, 'O my Lady and Delight of my Life, remember the Animal that came out of the sea and made me ashamed before all the animals in all the world because I showed off. Now, if I showed off before these Queens of Persia and Egypt and Abyssinia and China, merely because they worry me, I might be made even more ashamed than I have been.'
And Balkis the Most Beautiful said, 'O my Lord and Treasure of my Soul, what will you do?'
And Suleiman-bin-Daoud said, 'O my Lady and Content of my Heart, I shall continue to endure my fate at the hands of these nine hundred and ninety-nine Queens who vex me with their continual quarrelling.'
So he went on between the lilies and the loquats and the roses and the cannas and the heavy-scented ginger-plants that grew in the garden, till he came to the great camphor-tree that was called the Camphor Tree of Suleiman-bin-Daoud. But Balkis hid among the tall irises and the spotted bamboos and the red lillies behind the camphor-tree, so as to be near her own true love, Suleiman-bin-Daoud.
Presently two Butterflies flew under the tree, quarrelling.
Suleiman-bin-Daoud heard one say to the other, 'I wonder at your presumption in talking like this to me. Don't you know that if I stamped with my foot all Suleiman-bin-Daoud's Palace and this garden here would immediately vanish in a clap of thunder.'
Then Suleiman-bin-Daoud forgot his nine hundred and ninety-nine bothersome wives, and laughed, till the camphor-tree shook, at the Butterfly's boast. And he held out his finger and said, 'Little man, come here.'
The Butterfly was dreadfully frightened, but he managed to fly up to the hand of Suleiman-bin-Daoud, and clung there, fanning himself. Suleiman-bin-Daoud bent his head and whispered very softly, 'Little man, you know that all your stamping wouldn't bend one blade of grass. What made you tell that awful fib to your wife?--for doubtless she is your wife.'
The Butterfly looked at Suleiman-bin-Daoud and saw the most wise King's eye twinkle like stars on a frosty night, and he picked up his courage with both wings, and he put his head on one side and said, 'O King, live for ever. She is my wife; and you know what wives are like.
Suleiman-bin-Daoud smiled in his beard and said, 'Yes, I know, little brother.
'One must keep them in order somehow, said the Butterfly, and she has been quarrelling with me all the morning. I said that to quiet her.'
And Suleiman-bin-Daoud said, 'May it quiet her. Go back to your wife, little brother, and let me hear what you say.'
Back flew the Butterfly to his wife, who was all of a twitter behind a leaf, and she said, 'He heard you! Suleiman-bin-Daoud himself heard you!'
'Heard me!' said the Butterfly. 'Of course he did. I meant him to hear me.'
'And what did he say? Oh, what did he say?'
'Well,' said the Butterfly, fanning himself most importantly, 'between you and me, my dear--of course I don't blame him, because his Palace must have cost a great deal and the oranges are just ripening,--he asked me not to stamp, and I promised I wouldn't.'
'Gracious!' said his wife, and sat quite quiet; but Suleiman-bin-Daoud laughed till the tears ran down his face at the impudence of the bad little Butterfly.
Balkis the Most Beautiful stood up behind the tree among the red lilies and smiled to herself, for she had heard all this talk. She thought, 'If I am wise I can yet save my Lord from the persecutions of these quarrelsome Queens,' and she held out her finger and whispered softly to the Butterfly's Wife, 'Little woman, come here.' Up flew the Butterfly's Wife, very frightened, and clung to Balkis's white hand.
Balkis bent her beautiful head down and whispered, 'Little woman, do you believe what your husband has just said?'
The Butterfly's Wife looked at Balkis, and saw the most beautiful Queen's eyes shining like deep pools with starlight on them, and she picked up her courage with both wings and said, 'O Queen, be lovely for ever. You know what men-folk are like.'
And the Queen Balkis, the Wise Balkis of Sheba, put her hand to her lips to hide a smile and said, 'Little sister, I know.'
'They get angry,' said the Butterfly's Wife, fanning herself quickly, 'over nothing at all, but we must humour them, O Queen. They never mean half they say. If it pleases my husband to believe that I believe he can make Suleiman-bin-Daoud's Palace disappear by stamping his foot, I'm sure I don't care. He'll forget all about it to-morrow.'
'Little sister,' said Balkis, 'you are quite right; but next time he begins to boast, take him at his word. Ask him to stamp, and see what will happen. We know what men-folk are like, don't we? He'll be very much ashamed.'
Away flew the Butterfly's Wife to her husband, and in five minutes they were quarrelling worse than ever.
'Remember!' said the Butterfly. 'Remember what I can do if I stamp my foot.'
'I don't believe you one little bit,' said the Butterfly's Wife. 'I should very much like to see it done. Suppose you stamp now.'
'I promised Suleiman-bin-Daoud that I wouldn't,' said the Butterfly, 'and I don't want to break my promise.'
'It wouldn't matter if you did,' said his wife. 'You couldn't bend a blade of grass with your stamping. I dare you to do it,' she said. Stamp! Stamp! Stamp!'
Suleiman-bin-Daoud, sitting under the camphor-tree, heard every word of this, and he laughed as he had never laughed in his life before. He forgot all about his Queens; he forgot all about the Animal that came out of the sea; he forgot about showing off. He just laughed with joy, and Balkis, on the other side of the tree, smiled because her own true love was so joyful.
Presently the Butterfly, very hot and puffy, came whirling back under the shadow of the camphor-tree and said to Suleiman, 'She wants me to stamp! She wants to see what will happen, O Suleiman-bin-Daoud! You know I can't do it, and now she'll never believe a word I say. She'll laugh at me to the end of my days!'
'No, little brother,' said Suleiman-bin-Daoud, 'she will never laugh at you again,' and he turned the ring on his finger--just for the little Butterfly's sake, not for the sake of showing off,--and, lo and behold, four huge Djinns came out of the earth!
'Slaves,' said Suleiman-bin-Daoud, 'when this gentleman on my finger' (that was where the impudent Butterfly was sitting) 'stamps his left front forefoot you will make my Palace and these gardens disappear in a clap of thunder. When he stamps again you will bring them back carefully.'
'Now, little brother,' he said, 'go back to your wife and stamp all you've a mind to.'
Away flew the Butterfly to his wife, who was crying, 'I dare you to do it! I dare you to do it! Stamp! Stamp now! Stamp!' Balkis saw the four vast Djinns stoop down to the four corners of the gardens with the Palace in the middle, and she clapped her hands softly and said, 'At last Suleiman-bin-Daoud will do for the sake of a Butterfly what he ought to have done long ago for his own sake, and the quarrelsome Queens will be frightened!'
The the butterfly stamped. The Djinns jerked the Palace and the gardens a thousand miles into the air: there was a most awful thunder-clap, and everything grew inky-black. The Butterfly's Wife fluttered about in the dark, crying, 'Oh, I'll be good! I'm so sorry I spoke. Only bring the gardens back, my dear darling husband, and I'll never contradict again.'
The Butterfly was nearly as frightened as his wife, and Suleiman-bin-Daoud laughed so much that it was several minutes before he found breath enough to whisper to the Butterfly, 'Stamp again, little brother. Give me back my Palace, most great magician.'
'Yes, give him back his Palace,' said the Butterfly's Wife, still flying about in the dark like a moth. 'Give him back his Palace, and don't let's have any more horrid.magic.'
'Well, my dear,' said the Butterfly as bravely as he could, 'you see what your nagging has led to. Of course it doesn't make any difference to me--I'm used to this kind of thing--but as a favour to you and to Suleiman-bin-Daoud I don't mind putting things right.'
So he stamped once more, and that instant the Djinns let down the Palace and the gardens, without even a bump. The sun shone on the dark-green orange leaves; the fountains played among the pink Egyptian lilies; the birds went on singing, and the Butterfly's Wife lay on her side under the camphor-tree waggling her wings and panting, 'Oh, I'll be good! I'll be good!'
Suleiman-bin-Daolld could hardly speak for laughing. He leaned back all weak and hiccoughy, and shook his finger at the Butterfly and said, 'O great wizard, what is the sense of returning to me my Palace if at the same time you slay me with mirth!'
Then came a terrible noise, for all the nine hundred and ninety-nine Queens ran out of the Palace shrieking and shouting and calling for their babies. They hurried down the great marble steps below the fountain, one hundred abreast, and the Most Wise Balkis went statelily forward to meet them and said, 'What is your trouble, O Queens?'
They stood on the marble steps one hundred abreast and shouted, 'What is our trouble? We were living peacefully in our golden palace, as is our custom, when upon a sudden the Palace disappeared, and we were left sitting in a thick and noisome darkness; and it thundered, and Djinns and Afrits moved about in the darkness! That is our trouble, O Head Queen, and we are most extremely troubled on account of that trouble, for it was a troublesome trouble, unlike any trouble we have known.'
Then Balkis the Most Beautiful Queen--Suleiman-bin-Daoud's Very Best Beloved--Queen that was of Sheba and Sable and the Rivers of the Gold of the South--from the Desert of Zinn to the Towers of Zimbabwe--Balkis, almost as wise as the Most Wise Suleiman-bin-Daoud himself, said, 'It is nothing, O Queens! A Butterfly has made complaint against his wife because she quarrelled with him, and it has pleased our Lord Suleiman-bin-Daoud to teach her a lesson in low-speaking and humbleness, for that is counted a virtue among the wives of the butterflies.'
Then up and spoke an Egyptian Queen--the daughter of a Pharoah--and she said, 'Our Palace cannot be plucked up by the roots like a leek for the sake of a little insect. No! Suleiman-bin-Daoud must be dead, and what we heard and saw was the earth thundering and darkening at the news.'
Then Balkis beckoned that bold Queen without looking at her, and said to her and to the others, 'Come and see.'
They came down the marble steps, one hundred abreast, and beneath his camphor-tree, still weak with laughing, they saw the Most Wise King Suleiman-bin-Daoud rocking back and forth with a Butterfly on either hand, and they heard him say, 'O wife of my brother in the air, remember after this, to please your husband in all things, lest he be provoked to stamp his foot yet again; for he has said that he is used to this magic, and he is most eminently a great magician--one who steals away the very Palace of Suleirnan-bin-Daoud himself. Go in peace, little folk!' And he kissed them on the wings, and they flew away.
Then all the Queens except Balkis--the Most Beautiful and Splendid Balkis, who stood apart smiling--fell flat on their faces, for they said, 'If these things are done when a Butterfly is displeased with his wife, what shall be done to us who have vexed our King with our loud-speaking and open quarrelling through many days?'
Then they put their veils over their heads, and they put their hands over their mouths, and they tiptoed back to the Palace most mousy-quiet.
Then Balkis--The Most Beautiful and Excellent Balkis--went forward through the red lilies into the shade of the camphor-tree and laid her hand upon Suleiman-bin-Daoud's shoulder and said, 'O my Lord and Treasure of my Soul, rejoice, for we have taught the Queens of Egypt and Ethiopia and Abyssinia and Persia and India and China with a great and a memorable teaching.'
And Suleiman-bin-Daoud, still looking after the Butterflies where they played in the sunlight, said, 'O my Lady and Jewel of my Felicity, when did this happen? For I have been jesting with a Butterfly ever since I came into the garden.' And he told Balkis what he had done.
Balkis--The tender and Most Lovely Balkis--said, 'O my Lord and Regent of my Existence, I hid behind the camphor-tree and saw it all. It was I who told the Butterfly's Wife to ask the Butterfly to stamp, because I hoped that for the sake of the jest my Lord would make some great magic and that the Queens would see it and be frightened.' And she told him what the Queens had said and seen and thought.
Then Suleiman-bin-Daoud rose up from his seat under the camphor-tree, and stretched his arms and rejoiced and said, 'O my Lady and Sweetener of my Days, know that if I had made a magic against my Queens for the sake of pride or anger, as I made that feast for all the animals, I should certainly have been put to shame. But by means of your wisdom I made the magic for the sake of a jest and for the sake of a little Butterfly, and--behold--it has also delivered me from the vexations of my vexatious wives! Tell me, therefore, O my Lady and Heart of my Heart, how did you come to be so wise?' And Balkis the Queen, beautiful and tall, looked up into Suleiman-bin-Daoud's eyes and put her head a little on one side, just like the Butterfly, and said, 'First, O my Lord, because I loved you; and secondly, O my Lord, because I know what women-folk are.'
Then they went up to the Palace and lived happily ever afterwards.
But wasn't it clever of Balkis?
THERE was never a Queen like Balkis, From here to the wide world's end; But Balkis tailed to a butterfly As you would talk to a friend. There was never a King like Solomon, Not since the world began; But Solomon talked to a butterfly As a man would talk to a man. She was Queen of Sabaea-- And he was Asia's Lord-- But they both of 'em talked to butterflies When they took their walks abroad!
The Surrendered Wife teaches women the art of effective communication with their other half, and encourages the expression of desires, limitations and feelings. The wonderful thing about this approach is that it does work – but if over-used, it may work against you.
Expressing Desires - ‘I want’ – Be Content
When you start taking responsibility for what you want, instead of making him guess, or telling him what ‘we’ want, (i.e. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if we went for holiday this year?’) you give him the opportunity to please you... it may not happen today, or tomorrow – but the point is that you let him know. You can abuse this womanly art by over-using it by making request after request to the extent that your husband thinks that he will never be able to make you happy! Your husband wants to see you content – he wants to know he provided well for you. Express too many desires and you run the risk of sounding like a spoilt brat who never gets enough.
Expressing your limitations – ‘I can’t’ – Be Diligent
It is paramount a woman knows her limits, and stays within them, stretching them when circumstances require, but only to the amount that she can. When you let him know that you ‘can't’ do something, instead of doing it all and then resenting him, or refusing to do it and then criticizing him for not doing it, you put the ball into his court. You can abuse this womanly art of expression by over-using it to the extent that you come across as a feeble woman who can't get anything done by herself. We all have our own responsibilities and roles, and we should do them diligently.
Expressing your feelings – ‘Ouch’ – Be Responsible
You will at times in your life need to speak up and air your concerns. Your husband may say hurtful things to you. You may have a bad day where everyone treats you badly, and you want to sound off to your husband. Take care to be responsible and speak for yourself. The worst thing you can do when expressing your feelings – be it hurt, anger or concern is to start attacking everyone else’s character. Speak for yourself, using ‘I’ statements. It will be especially hard for your husband to see your point of view if you are attacking his character (or even his mum’s!). In the event that you are upset or lonely, you may want to take your concerns to a friend who can give you some perspective – sometimes it is all we need. If you bring all your concerns to your husband - especially if you miss your family once you get married – your husband may feel upset that you are not happy with him, and that no matter what he does, he just can't keep you happy.
So in a nutshell – go ahead and express yourself using the surrendering techniques – but take care not to abuse them...!
http://emersonandsarah.blogspot.com/2009/08/brilliant-observations-by-two-men.html
I loved this artcle – it shows brilliantly how men and woman differ in the way they communicate!
‘When my wife presses me for details, she may not be prying, she might just be wanting to know all of the details because she’s pink and she’s just like that.’
Do you have someone in your life who is only too happy to point out the areas that are less than perfect - 'this lasagne has a tad too much salt', 'that child has a snotty nose' or 'my, what big ears you have my dear'.
I have a few, but significant people,like this in my life and if I play their game of discontent, my marriage suffers.
Take for example my mother, who on a recent visit home suddenly blurted out that I must find my wallpaper very distressing, she would never be able to relax and feel calm with wallpaper like ours. What she was trying to say was 'stop renting and buy your own house' but she opted for the technique of planting discontent in my heart to reach that goal. She did the same in our old house - this time going on about the small size 'but we don't have a mortgage and to move to a bigger house would mean borrowing about £100,000' I said. 'Well, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes' came the reply. And I (to my eternal shame) put pressure on DH to borrow a huge sum of money so we could move to a bigger house - our marriage went downhill till I gave up.
I have learnt my lesson. We are living in this house (wallpaper and all) because it suits us, no one else is expected to share with us - they can go to their own houses and stare at the walls they are relaxed with.
So for those of you who have anyone in your life who is pointing out the flaws, indicating the glass is half empty or just plain old criticising, I am going to share the lessons I have learnt over the years:
1) Do not try to prove to the other person that they are wrong and you are right. For example, MIL has told you in public that your breastmilk is too weak and you should switch to formula. DO NOT start explaining that breast fed babies have greater success in life and, on average, a higher IQ. She may well ask if you think DH is a failure or stupid as he was bottle fed after the first week. It could turn nasty, depending on how angry you are "he's as thick as two short planks and can't even mend a puncture!" may be your unfortunate way out of the corner you worked yourself into.
Best just to smile sweetly and say "I want to breastfeed as it makes me feel so close to my baby! She looks kind of hungry now, pass her here and I'll be back in a while!"
2) Do not stoop to their level, no matter how tempted you are. The person who spends half an hour telling you how attractive they are and how unattractive you are (just pluck those brows and put some mascara on, and lipstick, and foundation, and perfume - my husband is so smitten by me, but your husband must be miserable blah blah blah (my sister did this to me)). DO NOT point out their plucked brows make them look permanently astonished and their makeup is probably made of human placenta. Keep the moral high ground "that wasn't a nice thing to say" and walk away. Point made.
3) Do not expect them to change. Once you can identify someone as a pain in the butt, do not be amazed when they keep paining you. Aunty came over and spent half an hour saying you can't cook for toffee? She is more than likely to do the same every time she visits, don't let each visit sting you afresh but put on the emotional armour, next time she bites into that vol-au-vent and pulls a face you can just enjoy your own delcious cooking (or admire the skill of the factory that provides your ready meals).
4) Recognise what is going on. The person who is yanking your chain is playing a game, the game of making themselves feel better by making you feel worse. The MIL who dragged her newly married son around the house to show him where his wife had missed bits of dust was really saying "I took better care of you than she does - I am more important than she is" and she is doing this because she is scared that she isn't as important as she want to be. Once you can see the game that is being played you can opt out totally, turn down the invitation to play the game and leave the person to stew in whatever juices they have chosen to make for themselves.
5) Distance helps. You don't have to invite people into your life if they are going to be downright horrid. Stay in touch with people if you must, but you don't have to go on holiday with them. If you really have no choice at all and you have to be in close, regular contact with them - emotional distance is called for. If your mother is going to put down your wallpaper, your house, your husband - then don't phone her to tell her every intimate detail of your life and ask her opinion on it, most importantly do not listen to her or take things to heart.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful fairy called Fay Leur, she lived with Elf Husband in a cute little fairy village full of surrendered happy fairies and their adoring husbands.
One day, as Fay was washing the dishes in her little fairy kitchen, she started to dream about a life without dishes and one with a dish washer. Within the space of one hour she had listened to her dream so much that she felt angry she did not have a dishwasher already. She decided to talk to Princess Nurture about it but Nurture was too busy to talk ... she was painting her dishwasher purple. Then Fay phoned Harmony, but Harmony was too busy teaching her dishwasher to giggle. "Good Grief" thought Fay, "the whole world is washing dishes in machines and here I am using my dainty feminine hands" she felt more annoyed than before.
Fay knew she needed help and fast. Firstly she asked Unmarried Friend for advice - "Oh, you need to seduce him! Once you seduced the guy he will give you whatever you want, my husband will, if I ever find him. Just dress up all vulnerable in high heels and tight clothes - oh and change your perfume, he'll be sick of the one you usually wear!" Feeling a bit upset and unsure of the advice Fay decided to do her best when Elf Husband came home that night, after all what did she know about him really? If she knew how to be a good wife she would have a purple dishwasher giggling in her kitchen right now.
Secondly Fay consulted Marriage Expert, who had been married sixteen times and clearly knew a lot about men and marriage and husbands. Marriage Expert explained that all men are actually psychic and gave all sorts of interesting tips on how to make Elf Husband get a dishwasher.
So when Elf Husband walked home that night he was vaguely surprised to find his wife standing with her hands in a sink full of soap suds (she had read Surrendering Sammy's post) , in high heels with a satin vest on. "Hi!" she said, flashin a coy smile at him and fluttering her shiny fairy wings at him "have a good day at work?" "NO! Santa is impossible to work for, he complained about my uniform and said I was headed for demotion, I can't take much more of his rubbish - overweight, red-faced bearded fool! What's that smell? Have you been killing flies?" Feeling a bit dejected Fay put a nice bright smile on her face - "Oh, my new perfume!" she giggled "Essence of Tea Tree - I thought..." but she was talking to an empty room, Elf Husband had gone into the other room to read a book.
That night Fay leaned over and wispered into his sleeping ears "Dishwasher, Dishwasher, Dishwasher" he stirred in his sleep and she smiled, just a matter of time now!
The following day Elf Husband came home a little bit later than normal. He smiled when he saw his wife and said she was in for a treat, he'd been to the shops and bought her a Fish Bosher. It was a huge club and he demonstrated how she could hit a living fish over the head with it before cooking. As she stared at the fish body lying on her tidy work top with her husband cheerfully bashing its brains out Fay did feel slightly nauseated, but she was too polite to say anything. Later that night Elf Husband came off the phone and said his mum was sending a fish executor from Elfistan for them, more efficient than a Bosher because it could kill ten fish in one go. Fay just stayed quiet, it was rude to refuse gifts, especially ones shipped all the way from Elfistan, she did feel a bit sad that no one had asked her first though.....
Over the weekend Elf Husband did notice his wife was a bit quieter than normal, she stood around a lot, just staring at him with a look of intense concentration. Really, he thought to himself, it is remarkable how she manages to keep going inspite of her mental health problems. Meanwhile Fay was feeling worse and worse, and angrier and more rejected than ever. After 48 hours of thinking about nothing but dishwashers and trying to send the thought to Elf Husband so he would rush to the shops and get her hers, she was starting to worry that all the fish he was eating was numbing his psychic powers. She had visions of her life ahead of her, washing plates and killing fish and her Elfen In Laws coming over to complain about the way she cooked fish - it was all too much.
She called Inspirity.
"Oh, Hi Sweetie" said Inspirity with a dirty chuckle "I was just putting some rose petals in a bath, should I light 5 or six candles do you think? I found a really good face mask too, just waiting for it to dry! What's up, how's the surrendering going?"
Fay sobbed the whole story out to Inspirity, how she was married to the most inconsiderate Elf in Santas Grotto, how she couldn't believe she was married to someone who so clearly didn't love her. By the time she had finished Inspirity's face was stuck in place by the dehydrated mask and she could hardly move her lips, the candles were nearly finished and her bath was cold. "Listen" she said, keeping her words to a minimum and thinking about a career change "You should try saying 'I want a dishwasher' then say 'I don't want the fish thingy from Elfistan' and leave it at that. The poor guy is probably really confused by you at the moment and you are the lady of the house, not your ElfMIL. If you had told him the things you just told me in a nice feminine way you would be a lot happier and so would he. Stop trying to control and manipulate him with your femininity and say he can do whatever he does to the fish in his shed, not your kitchen."
Fay suddenly saw what a silly fairy she had been and went to polish her wings and practise what she was going to say to Elf Husband.
The End
A fantastic summary by super-tutor Patricia:
http://www.elevenplusexams.co.uk/forum/11plus/viewtopic.php?t=12060&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=&sid=21dbfd606f50a72edefe632a4d306cfd
After reading The Surrendered Wife, many women do ask how to balance the surrendered approach of handing over the chequebook to their husbands, with the rights that a Muslim woman is given under the law of Islam - that a woman has the right over her own money.
Your money is yours
It is true, a Muslim woman has the right over her own money, and doesn’t need to give any of it to her husband, which is a far cry from handing it all over to dear husband and telling him to look after it – so what is a woman to do?
I normally advise that women who have their own bank accounts and their own money keep hold of those funds. This would allow the household to be run by the income the husband was bringing in, and he would be the sole breadwinner. If the couple decided with mutual consent, further income could be added from the money the wife bought in, if that is what she felt like doing.
Your husband is the head of the household
The surrendering aspect comes into play when the woman gives the man the final say in where the money is spent, acknowledging him as the head of the household. Granted, one of a woman’s most legendary vices is to control. When you combine this characteristic with a paycheque, it’s very important to ensure that the man doesn’t feel stripped of his role to provide as a man, and perhaps even more essential if the man isn’t bringing in as much as the woman. Therefore, if a woman has her own money and wants to contribute towards the finances, she would do well to let him have the ultimate decision on what to spend it on.
Maria is a lady who attended one of my seminars. She was working on a very high paying salary, and husband had been made redundant. While it was important for her to keep working to keep the household running, Maria also became exhausted from all the responsibility and started to resent her husband for not doing as much as she was. This situation spiralled downwards as in her resentment, Maria started controlling how he spent money, especially since she was trying so hard to be frugal with her hard-earned money and she didn't think he was doing the same.
Her main complaint was that he bought overly expensive things, and helped other members of the family without thinking twice of the money he was spending... her money. Eventually, as a one-time experiment, Maria decided to give her husband the control of paying the bills and sorting out the finances. He was a bit shocked at first, because he hadn’t earnt any of it, yet now had to manage how to spend it. This put a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and he started to think carefully on that he spent it on. It also made him gave him the determination to look harder for a job, which he previously hadn’t been doing.
The benefits of relinquishing control of the finances
When a woman gives up control of where her husband spends the finances, a number of good things happen. Her husband starts to think responsibly when he spends the money. He faces up to consequences of poor business decisions he may have made – because they will fall on his shoulders. He also won't be able to blame his wife when things go wrong, (this is the easy way out for a man with a controlling wife or a man who relies heavily on his wife’s guidance) because it was his decision not hers. Furthermore, it relieves her of the worry and stress that comes with being responsible for paying the bills, and gives her time to focus on her own self-care, which up to this point in time, she has most probably neglected.
Why not try it out as one-time experiment; you can always go back to the way things are if it does not work out.
Does this mean she doesn’t have a voice?
Not at all. When it comes to the finances, and what the family should spend money on, she lets him know what her opinions are, but she doesn’t push her opinions onto him. She lets him know if she fears a decision he is making might not be successful, but she does this responsibly – by speaking for herself and not for him, and by using ‘I’ statements.. I feel, I want, I can’t, I'm afraid... And if he does make a mistake, she trusts his positive intentions and helps him to get over it by building up his confidence, rather than tearing his character down.
Surrendering doesn’t mean that women don't speak up and instead make their husbands go it alone and make mistakes – men need their wives by their sides, as their best friend who will point out things that others wouldn’t bother telling them. However, when done with feminine diplomacy and self-expression, it will be heard, accepted and digested rather than being rejected, ignored or even resented.
If it isn’t broken, don't fix it
If what you are doing is working for you, then that's fabulous. If you have a good understanding between the two of you, where you bring in a fair amount of income into the home, and your husband is a responsible person who is ambitious and aspiring in his own profession, then go ahead and enjoy it. The problem arises when a woman is so ambitious and capable that the man starts to feel inadequate and loses the impetus to aim high, especially in the current economic climate where many people are being made redundant or losing their jobs.
You know what’s best for your situation
Surrendering the finances may just not work for you. You may have a wonderful husband who just isn’t responsible enough with money, and you may decide that it is best that you have control of the finances. If that is the case with you, then do try to put money aside which will help you to remain grounded and not become exhausted and overwhelmed with the responsibility. Look after yourself with regular self-care, delegate as many jobs as you can; get a cleaner, a tutor for the children, and employ someone to look after the children so you have time to go out with your husband and enjoy his company.
I have some advice for everyone. Never go to your friends for advice. I will explain why by giving you all direct examples from my married life.
In the beginning, I met my husband and we liked each other and we got married and everything seemed well with the world. Except a fair proportion of my friends were, I now realise, jealous. They talked about us, about me, about my husband. Unflattering things were said, but what was really being said was "why her and not me? Why am I still looking when she got married so soon?" As I was happy with him and he was happy with me then what was there to criticize exactly? The point was that I had left their little group; the friends who relied on me to spend time with them and entertain them were suddenly left to their own devices as I tried to build the foundations of a lasting marriage.
I still remember the time a person looked at me and said, "Well some people get married and you never see them any more - HINT HINT." Well they did still see me, but not as often as before. Worst of all one friend phoned me every evening for about 2 hours a shot and when my husband complained everyone decided he was jealous and had issues with her. Well I'd have had issues if he spent that much time on the phone, it would have driven me nuts.
Now I am not saying you have to abandon your friends, ignore your family and cut off socializing with colleagues - but I knew then as I do now that my husband has to feel important and if I had tried to carry on with my old life exactly as I had before, our marriage could not have lasted.
But still I did not learn...
Every marriage has problems and rocky patches. When we hit a rough patch I thought I would go to my friends for advice, after all they knew me well and liked me. The result was that I found myself at the receiving end of the most idiotic, insensitive and prejudiced opinions I can remember. I was meant to do everything from "make him clean the toilet so he appreciates you" to "take up lap dancing" - poor man, all he wanted was a quiet cup of coffee while he read the newspaper! It just got better and better (or worse and worse depending on your perspective) - one friend even took to eavesdropping on my phone calls and telling me where I went wrong. AAAAARGH!
I was starting to learn, but then...
I read The Surrendered Wife and so did a lot of my friends. If I thought things had been bad before I should have listened to my dad when he said "never mind if things look glum for sure enough there's worse to come!" Suddenly the world had an idea of surrendering and they shared it with me - I really doubt they could follow the advice they gave me, not a soul I know could; "never have an opinion about anything because men can't stand women with an opinion" - what, even if you agree on something? "I am not sure if starving people need food because I am a woman and can't form an opinion" - that wouldn't do anything for him or me; I'd have to hate myself for a start. One of the strengths of our marriage is that we talk to each other and exchange views and experiences and I'm meant to get rid of that for good?
And what about surrendered experts when I hit a rocky patch? Let me paint the scene.... We went on holiday to Spain for a week after a period of intense work for both of us. As he worked towards a promotion, he spent very little time in the house, but he promised the holiday in Spain would make up for it all. When we got there, he spent no time at all with me. I walked on the beach alone, went to bed alone and then woke to find him ready for breakfast together before he went to play golf - without me. Feeling rejected in every sense of the word my friends explained that I had to stop trying to control him, that I shouldn't chase him and that his desire to be with me would only be fuelled if I backed off and acted all feminine. Direct communication was not in their interpretation of the book.
I sought the advice of a sage and was told to read "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay", I also had a direct word with my husband, I couldn't carry on with things the way they were, I felt rejected, I needed his company etc. etc. His response was interesting; he had been bullied at work and had bouts of depression when he had to be alone. The book really helped - he took one look at the title and changed overnight (well almost). I told my sage (who must have been sick of my whinging) who said it sounded like a dysfunctional situation and referred me to Inspirity, who has now replaced all my friends when I need advice (and she must just love me for it!).
The morals of my story? Your friends have their prejudices and their opinions are generally formed from their own limited experiences, they have a mixture of feelings about you and your husband and not all of them are correct. Seek advice from someone who has had training or at least someone wise who will listen to you without judging. Just because someone has read The Surrendered Wife does not mean they can teach it.
Here are the chapters I recommend in The First Aid of English:
Gender
Families
Traditional Homes
Group Terms
Occupations
Sounds and Motions
Classification
Gradation
Association
Analogies
Antonyms
Synonyms
Homonyms and Homophones
Adverbs
Compound Words
The Right Word in the Right Place
Different Type of Walks page 97
Diminutives
Small Quantities
For Reference
General Knowledge Tests
Fastenings
Hope it helps!
Children in Year 6 are currently taking their 11+ examinations... which means there is only one year left for the children in Year 5!
My son is in year five and I have started him off with mild 11+ prep.... We have started The First Aid in English... he does The Tutors Verbal Reasoning CD Volume 1, and Bonds Third Papers in Non Verbal Reasoning. I am also getting him to read to me... sometimes its fiction, sometimes its the encyclopaedia.
If your child is in Year 5, and you want to start preparing your child for the 11+ why not start it off now, so you don't have to panic later?
http://inspiritysurrenders.blogspot.com/2009/01/which-books-for-verbal-reasoning.html
http://inspiritysurrenders.blogspot.com/2009/03/which-books-for-non-verbal-reasoning.html
Contact me if you want more advice: sara@malik5.com
A lot of women have young children, and find it hard with sleepless nights, poorly kids, feeling unwell themselves as mums... and life seems to be a roller coaster ride. When trying to surrender, when the topic of self care comes up, a lot of us struggle with this and start counting the things they already do, and the problems they are going through, and that they can't seem to fit in with their lifestyle....
My children are older now - 10, 9 and 6... and the during the early years, when I was looking after babies, going through pregnancies, struggling with my marriage and other external family pressures... I realise now, trying not to feel remorseful, that I did it all wrong.
Once I got into self development, and started reflecting on life, things totally changed. With the knowledge that I have now, I would have theoretically done everything completely different.
I call this the 'Lady in Waiting' period of life. It starts when a woman is pregnant, and continues till her young one is about 4... and if you are having children closely together, that time can expand to at least 10 years of your life!
I now realise how important it is for pregnant women to go easy on themselves. A pregnant woman should be treated like a queen at this stage of her life. It is the time she is giving of herself to her unborn child. Sending messages of contentment and security to the baby... I never did this, always feeling guilty for not having done enough... trying to prove that i was managing okay, and I wasnt just a young 19 yr old who couldn't run a house.... I needed to prove I was capable. To myself - now I realise, but I didn't see it that way then. I wanted everyone to treat me well - but did I treat myself well?
Self contentment comes from within. When you give yourself value for what you are doing, and realising that even by breathing, you already doing enough. If I were to do it again, I would get regular rest in my years of waiting, regular sleep. I would focus on the important things in my life and let other things drop.
Babies will be born, and they will grow up... time doesn't stop. The baby doesn't say 'well I know mummy's tired so I will go without a drink of milk'... what has to be done, always gets done. And part of this time while we are in waiting, needs to be dedicated to ourselves aswell. When a child unexpectedly gets colic and screams all night... do we worry that things will fall apart...? Even with colic, diarrhea, chickenpox... life still goes on and we end up with 10 year old kids who can look after themselves. They are not scarred for life just because when they were young they got the measles and the house remained a mess for a month....
And when they are older, you will see that life also wouldn't have fallen apart if you had taken time out for that extra nap... an extra 10 mins in the shower.... letting them play and gurgle while you had some time out on the couch.
If life is okay while they are screaming and bawling when they are ill and you are frantically hoovering - life will also be okay if they cry while you take that bath.
If I were to do it again, I would ensure that I treated myself like a queen. I would recognise that I was doing a noble job, raising leaders of the next generation, and I would give myself credit for that. I remember when all of my kids were ill and I took them to the doctor, and she took my arm and gave me a flu jab.... they were only giving it to pensioners at the time. She told me to look after myself, because if I got ill, who would look after the kids and the family? I felt so touched when she did that. I felt I had value... it's because I never gave myself value.
I would also make sure I didn't feel guilty for looking after myself... regardless of what those around me said.
How often have I beat myself up over a dirty house just because I felt guilty that i am not coping. Others make unfair comments, not seeing how hard it is, and we internalise these comments, and make them real for us. 'You are such a bad housewife' gets turned into 'I am a bad housewife'... and we did that ourselves.
The world didn't fall apart when we had 3, 4, 5, or 6 kids in a row... and the world isn't going to fall apart if we add some mummy-time to that aswell. The world never ever fell apart before. And it isn't about to now.
Life goes on, and so does self care. Its how much importance you place on yourself that makes the difference in the quality of your life.
Look after yourselves, my precious sisters. When you are old grannies knitting sweaters for your grandchildren, you will understand that the extra hour a day that you could have spent looking after your mind, body and soul, would have made the ride so much more beautiful and enriched. Life is a bed of roses, if only you make it that way.
You are women who are nurturing the leaders of the righteous, and God will provide you with everything you need. Surrender to that, and receive it from Him.
Just my morning musing... back to the housework, laundry, and cooking.
In the eastern culture, where premarital relations are not encouraged, and perhaps even forbidden, the ‘wedding night’ often comes with a lot of tension. A lot of women wonder if they ‘have’ to have a physical connection on that particular night, and if consummation is really necessary.
From the western perspective, a couple would go out and get to know one another before they felt a connection, and sexual intimacy would be the next gradual step. In the East, however, this is foreign, and getting married means that not only are you going to spend the rest of your lives together, and start a new journey together, but also that you are now ready to have sex.
Laura Doyle, in The Surrendered Single says that when your boyfriend tries to kiss you on the first date, then do not decline him, and kiss him back. If you do not, you are letting him know that you are not romantically interested in him, and you may not have a very long relationship with your date.
The Surrendered Wife also talks about sex being a gift – and if you deny your man sex when he has made himself so vulnerable to you, you are not only rejecting his gift to you, but you are also rejecting him. Not only will this hurt his masculine pride, but also it will cause him to withdraw and refrain from making further advances.
So, if you are planning on getting married, you would do well to prepare yourself to receive his gifts, take plenty of time relaxing and pampering yourself, and be open and vulnerable to share this connection together. The start of a beautiful future, beginning with an intimate connection.
http://lifeasafascinatingwoman.blogspot.com/2009/06/when-queens-ride-by.html
I read this beautiful story today in Cynthia Berenger's blog.
It is a short story about a woman who runs a farm with her husband, who is so bitter, exhausted and disillusioned and then her life is transformed by an unexpected visitor who shows her a new perspective. A must read for all overworked and worn-out women.
Cynthia is a Fascinating Womanhood Teacher and leads women through a thorough representation of Helen Andelin's teachings. Her webiste is www.fwclass.com
The other day I phoned a friend to speak to her. Her husband picked up the phone, and we exchanged some polite pleasantries – asking about the kids, work, etc. After that, I asked to speak to my friend, so he gave her a shout... ‘Laila!’ he hollered to his wife. There was no reply. ‘Laila?’ he shouted impatiently. There was no reply. ‘LAILA!’ he growled at the top of his angrily, as if he was thinking ‘What is she, deaf? Where is she, dead?’. To which I finally heard a loud ‘HUH?’.
It was Laila. I tried to stop myself from smiling. So her husband shouted ‘Phone!’, I guess she didn't hear because she shouted in a snappy tone ‘WHAT??!’ and he then roared like a lion ‘PHONE!!!!!’. ‘O-KAAAAAAAY!!’ she yelled back loudly, and walked over to the phone, picked it up, and said sweetly and beautifully, ‘Hello?’
Lets speak nicely with one another, giving each other the same respect we give our friends?
By loolt
Taking Virutally To Myself
http://loolt.wordpress.com/
On Friday the 10th of July I attended the Islamic Circles panel discussion on “Emasculated Muslim Men and the Feminist Hijabi”. The event was introduced by the chair (whose name I did not catch) by mentioning (and slightly mistranslating) the verse from the holy Quran, which states that the men are the ‘maintainers and protectors’ of women, and that they are ‘preferred’ because of what they spent from their wealth. However, women have become victims of the worst forms of oppression:
'and yet it is Muslim women who are often at the receiving end of some of the worst abuse and oppression that is taking place today.'
On the other hand, he continued to say, there appears to be an increase in ‘emasculated’ men, and questions whether they are now at the financial ‘mercy’ of women? I think it is funny that when a man is financially reliant on a woman he is considered at her mercy, but if she were reliant on him she is considered ‘looked after’, and in Arabic she would be moazzazi i.e. cared for. The chair has three daughters of his own, and through his own community involvement had noticed that women are the ones responsible for 80% of all the real work in these events. The Muslim men often lacked chivalry, were inactive, and he actually called them ‘useless’. So he posits, is feminism at fault? The chair was affable, likeable and had some interesting points, but I did not follow the argument from ‘men are useless’ to ‘could it be women’s fault’.
The first speaker was Sarah Malik, a (deep breath) ‘Surrendered Wife Trainer’. My first reaction to this area of expertise was ‘what are they dogs’ and half expected her to turn up in brogues with chocolate digestives stuffed down her pocket, carrying a whip. She didn’t, she was actually very sweet, but let us not be distracted away from her job description ‘surrendered wife trainer’. This seems to be an American movement, and the all knowing wikipedia lists the beliefs of the “Surrendered Wives” movement as (italics are my personal contribution):
1. a wife relinquishes control of her husband’s life (understandable, I would not want to be controlled).
2. she respects his decisions for his life (again, respect is good)
3. she practices good self-care; she does at least three things a day for her own enjoyment. (Happy to do that).
4. she also practices receiving compliments and gifts graciously. (is polite and well mannered)
5. she practices expressing gratitude; thanking her husband for the things he does. (see above)
6. a surrendered wife is not afraid to show her vulnerability and take the feminine approach. (not sure I like defining feminity as such…)
Not so bad huh? Is common sense, which made me object even more to the title ’surrendered wife’ as it implies that women are rude and boorish and must surrender to something to give up their awful ways and become well mannered people. But again I digress, back to Sarah. She started by stating that feminism had given women many advantages, and acknowledged that 1400 years ago Islam had also given Women many rights (protection from abuse. the right to inherent etc.). Over the years, the East had picked up some Western customs, women became shunned if they got divorced, they did not receive education and so on. I admit I was confused by this, being an Arab Western influence is very recent, but Sarah Malik appeared to be of Pakistani descent, and the Indian peninsular certainly did receive alot more western influence alot earlier on ‘thanks’ to the British Empire. But I simply could have misheard! Feminism, she said, did a great job reclaiming rights for women. It gave women support, a voice, refuge, acceptance in society and the ability to choose a career.
She then started talking about the immigrant communities in the UK. When the previous generation emigrated to the UK, they faced many problems. The loss of extended family and sense of community was very stressful. Girls were encouraged to work by their mothers because according to them men were useless. This sort of upbringing resulted in highly independent, fiery women, who maybe didn’t have that much respect for men. Boys also were pushed to develop their careers, and in the process lost out on the family experience, and became rather rubbish around the home. OK, I cant to relate to any of this, and it is clearly culture focused.. I am especially not sold on the theory that mothers tell their daughters men are useless!
‘The Media’ cropped up (as it is wont to at such events), and its the negative portrayal of Muslims. This has driven Hijabis to become very focused on preserving their rights and showing the world how emancipated they are. This is something I do relate to, however due to the lack of media attention to Muslim women while I was growing up, or where I grew up, I cannot blame the media for my attitude. I think it had more to do with me growing up at a time when Arab nationalism was declining, and enlightenment on the teachings of Islam were on the rise. Since the Arab Culture is often incompatible with ones rights in Islam, I did become rather hell bent on preserving my rights as a Muslim woman. She then said that Men had complied (due to this Media pressure I guess), given women their rights, and for some unfathomable reason abandoned their duties towards women!
Sarah then declared to us that ‘Men too have rights’, aww bless them, the weaker stronger sex is having their rights stripped away! I couldn’t help that sarcastic comment there.. back on topic. Men, said Sarah, have a right to admiration, respect, and sex, in the sense that men should not be vilified and called ‘animals’ for having a sex drive ‘, fair enough I say. Men ‘have feelings too’, a statement which amused me since I actually do fall into the trap of dismissing the fact that men have feelings. However these needs are not often met by women, who in fairness were too exhausted to comply. This is due to the mother effect (there we go blaming women for the deficiencies of men ), men are often over-mothered and end up entering the marital home with scarce little life skills, which women have in abundance. The weak man then ends up shirking his responsibilities and depends on others to do his job for him e.g. his wife. She cited the example of the husbands who don’t bother to pay the electricity bill and their families end up suddenly without electricity.
We were then introduced to the phenomena of the (Single White Female) Single Female Feminist Hijabi who are characterised by:
* Men not meeting their expectations.
* Scare men off with their ‘masculine ways’ (seriously I never classed men as wimpy)
* Masculine (rubbish!, never came across someone like that!)
* Ends up with a submissive male
and then to the Emasculated Muslim Man who as a consequence of his dealings with the Single Female Feminist Hijabi:
*looses his aspirations
*looses his willingness to help
*ceases to be attracted to her
Now, I am not sure what to make of this. Why is it problematic that women preserve, and fight for, their rights? Why would this result in the decreasing contribution of men to the society/marital home? Are the women preventing their husbands from doing their duty? Are they denying them their rights as husbands? I find it all a bit hard to swallow..
The next speaker was Susie Heath author of “The Essence of Womanhood- Re awakening the authentic feminine” and relationship coach with many years experience. Susie feels that there is a serious imbalance in relationships these days. Many business women came to her for help, they were quite masculine (with deep voices) and were a bit frightening, complaining that their husbands were no longer attracted to them ‘the idiots’, and the husbands would come ‘dripping in’ whining about their tough wives.
Susie believes that once a couple aim for an ‘equal’ relationship that said relationship was doomed, because we ‘are not equal, we are different’. She then apologised to the men in the audience for ’stealing their power’, and said that we ‘had dishonoured ourselves as women’. She is grateful to the feminist movement, but does not view women as being 50% male and 50% female, and it is problematic that women try to emulate (agree) and overtake (disagree) men. That due to their taking on more and more work, and enduring more stress, women were producing more testosterone, that their bodies are not equipped to handle (aren’t they?) and hence they are wrecking their adrenal glands. But what can women do? when men don’t step up to the job, when they cease to honour their responsibilities, like keeping his family safe by say locking up at night, then women end up doing it, becoming more controlling, and compounding the emasculation of their husband. Susie recommends men step up and women take a step back. Not in an evolutionary sense or in the sense of giving anything up, but in the sense of allowing him to do something, to cease to take all the responsibilities on her shoulders.
Susie was really the only panel member to define feminine traits, describing the feminine as ‘beautiful, soft and creative’. I admit my notes are a bit disjointed, I am not sure whether this next point is related to the previous one, because she goes on to say that we have to accept that someone has to make the decisions, and if it is not the man, then it is the woman. She objected to the portrayal of too much female flesh in the media (cant escape the media), because ‘it takes away a sacred part of women’ parts that we don’t want to share with all men. I thought it was nicely put.
It isn’t all pink and fluffy though, Susie firmly believes that women are very competent, but they need to be able to feel safe with men, and only then will they feel nurtured and cared for, and she hopes for the day when cherishment and chivalry return. Her plan? Thank, acknowledge and admire men, and then they will step up (in my notes I had written: are we being held responsible for THEIR behaviour again!!!). She said that the more women do, the more they take on financially the less men have to do, and we should change this.. hey I am all for handing over financial responsibility, and totally agree with her on this point… we wouldn’t want men to feel unneeded would we
Finally, the only male member of the panel! Imam Shahnoaz Haque, a Psychotherapist, Teacher and Khatib (sort of like a preacher). The Imaam conducted a mini survey of the audience, asking people to state one property that they consider to be ‘feminine’ and one that they consider to be ‘masculine’. One lady objected saying she was uncomfortable with such classifications, and I agreed with her. But the man was driving at something, he ended up with the following (rough) list:
Male strong, decisive, powerful, confident, trustworthy, protective
Female gentle, playful, shy, compassionate, caring, classy, emotional, clean/hygienic, soft.
Then by giving examples from the life of the Prophet Mohammed, he showed that he (the Prophet -PBUH-) exhibited all these qualities, the feminine and the masculine. I think that he was confusing the word hayaa’ with shy, but it is more closely related to the word humility. His point was that it is a mute point to discuss the ‘feminine’ traits and the ‘masculine’ traits as if they were mutually exclusive to their respective genders, because the Prophet -PBUH- was known for both.
He concluded by saying that if feminism meant standing up for rights, then all hijabis should be feminists.
Many women have come to me saying their husbands treat them like dirt... a whole plethora of disgusting actions... name calling, shoving, even.. spitting! Sigh. Dear ladies, take heart. He may be hurting you right now, but surrendering to the fact that you can only change yourself can probably help you....
So, am I saying you should just give in and let him treat you that way? Not at all! As a woman and a human being, you have as much self-worth as the person next to you, and never give up that right.
A surrendered wife admits when she has been hurt. She lets her hurt and sadness show, and doesn’t keep it bottled in. She doesn’t try to keep it nice, by ignoring it and brushing it under the carpet, for if she does, eventually there will be so much gunk under there, that one day she will erupt and become a foul mouthed angry woman who has decided she is going to give as good as she gets! Female venom! The fury of a woman scorned!!! And the poor husband will be left licking his wounds... preparing for round two.
So, what does she do when her husband taunts her, jibes her and treats her like dirt? She tells him plain and simply, that she is really hurt. That she doesn’t accept to be treated this way. And she walks away.
And what does she do when she walks away? Retreats to her bedroom defeated, and cries endless tears, drenching her pillow? Walks around moping and giving her husband the silent treatment, feeling utterly rejected?
No. She busies herself with self-care. She does things that she likes to do. She fills up her other love tanks. She makes sure she works on all the other areas of her life: and she reminds herself that her husband is not the centre of her universe.
If you surrender to the fact that you can still be happy, even if your husband chooses to be foul mouthed and bitter, you send out a very strong message. That you have dignity and won't silently endure his behaviour (i.e. you let him know plain and clear that you are hurt) and that if he chooses to be nasty, then you can have fun without him! Go run a bath, phone your sister or a friend, go round and visit someone. Don't give him the silent treatment, but be sure to stay a bit on the quiet side when you are around him for the next few days... let him know that you have been hurt, and your sparkly liveliness is not for him, and is now being directed on: you. Approach all other areas of your life with happiness and gratitude, and enjoy every moment of it; and when he is around... just stay a bit quiet.... he’ll get the message.
Once a woman stops focussing on her husband and starts focussing on her own self-care, something amazing happens. She starts to shine. She starts to feel fresh. She has a bounce to her step. She can sit in a reverie about all sorts of wonderful things... the wooden chest she is refurbishing, the new dress she has started to sew, the magazine she has bought which has the perfect picture for her scrap-book.... And she radiates peace within her which will make a nasty man transform into a mope. It will force him to question why he is such a bully... why he behaves in such a pathetic way. Especially when you are having so much fun on... your side of the party.
Go on ladies, tackle the problem head on, the feminine way – restore the dignity that you have lost. I know you can do it.
Note: This article has been written for women whose husbands possess plain old nasty characteristics, and is not intended for women whose husbands are physically abusive to them.
No longer sure of their role, "egalitarian" men have been left straddling the gender divide and are becoming male-female hybrids, says Judith Woods.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/5978268/Have-you-turned-your-man-into-a-hermaphrodite.html
"Some women have become ball-breakers," says Francine Kaye, known professionally as The Divorce Doctor, with an eponymous website. "It's not entirely our fault, because the demands of the workplace have changed us, and brought out our more masculine side. But unfortunately we're taking that home with us every evening into the domestic sphere, and often bullying our men into submission."
Mrs. Hopeless was busy cooking one morning whilst her baby was asleep and the other children were at school. She was excited because she was going to meet her friend for lunch at a cafe!
As she mentally checked off all her chores as she completed them, she went upstairs to iron her pretty outfit, so she could shower and leave in the next half hour - nice, fresh and on time.
As she was about to go to the shower, Mr. Husband popped his head round the door and told her that he urgently needed her to fill in some forms so he could take them to the bank. She always filled in all his forms - ever since they got married - he never managed to fill them in correctly, for some reason.
'Oh dear, darling, I'm sorry, I really can't, I'm getting ready to go out with my friend; she is expecting me.' Mr. Husband did his best to try and persuade her, and she tried very hard to explain how important it was to her that she go out.
Unfortunately, Mr. Husband just didn't see her perspective. He started complaining, 'I have to work so hard, and I rely on you to do my paperwork!'
Mrs. Hopeless was miserable. Her good for nothing husband! Although she really did love him, and they hardly ever fought... why did he never have the motivation to do anything?
He always relied on her to do everything. Pay the bills, fill out the forms, fix him snacks at midnight while she was struggling with the baby. Sigh - why was life so hard?
Mrs. Hopeless decided to reason with him intellectually 'Look, dear, I can't do it today, I'm sorry. Why can't you?' to which he got very annoyed, and started to grumble about all the things he still had to do, and how she had such an 'easy life'.
Mrs. Hopeless started to get terribly upset. Her pulse started to quicken, as she felt guilty about visiting her friend, and indulging in a cafe lunch while her husband worked so hard. But hang on! She worked hard too! She started to point out all the ways that she worked equally as hard as he did, with the housework, the children, the cooking and shopping! She hasn't been out in months! 'I feel worn down and suffocated!' she sobbed to him.
Mr. Husband was terribly confused. He knew his wife was perfectly capable, and he didn't really trust himself filling in those passport forms, and besides, she had much better handwriting that he did. But why did she act so upset when he asked her to sort it out for her? She was so capable - women are incredibly good at multitasking - aren't they? Yet here she was, sniffling away! He decided to say no more. Perhaps she really couldn't.
Mrs. Hopeless took a deep, long sigh, and asked him where the papers were. He hesitantly handed them to her. She put the towel on the bed and started filling in the forms, which required her to set up the scanner and copy some paperwork. Half an hour later they were all complete; and as she got ready to get into the shower, her baby awoke and started to cry. She still had to change her baby's nappy and get her ready for the journey ahead; so she decided to leave out the shower and get her baby ready instead.
She eventually left for lunch with her grubby house-clothes, taking care to concentrate on her driving whilst her mind raced. She felt miserable. Why was her life so hard?
***
Poor Mrs. Hopeless! All this time, she has been telling her husband that even though she says she can't - she really can. She just needs a bit of persuasion.
Had she told him that she couldn't, and then stayed with that statement - her husband would have started to realise that she had limitations.
Saying 'I cant' would have been a declaration of how she was feeling. Although she initially did make that declaration, she covered it up with a question which caused her husband to get defensive... Instead of just leaving it to 'I can't' she went and added 'why can't you?'.
It doesn't matter why he can't... what matters is that she can't!
Mrs. Hopeless would have an easier life if she stated her own limitations, rather than asking for explanations about Mr. Husbands'. What's more, she made herself (and her husband) feel awful by focusing on how hard her life was - rather than focusing on keeping quiet and being true to her statement of 'I can't.
Prayers and Al Fatiha for Mrs. Hopeless.
Remember - there's no point of saying 'I can't' and then doing it anyway. And when saying 'I can't' - be sure not to throw in the 'why can't you?' grenade.
You can read more about setting and upholding your boundaries and limitations in in The Surrendered Wife, By Laura Doyle.
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